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Doctor Said I'm Anorgasmic

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 08:57
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I'm seventeen years old, have been masturbating since I had sufficient dexterity, and have never achieved an orgasm (to my knowlege). Maybe I did when I was younger, but not since I could remember. I know that you're probably thinking that I'm young and should give it more time, but I'm very well researched and have tried a lot and this particular issue is the source of a lot of anxiety and misery for me, though I've came to accept it more than I used to of late.

I masturbate on my front, humping both hands, I only ever do it for a few minutes, it feels good, and gets better, but no climax (I assure you), then I get tired. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend with whom I live with in my parents' house for a year and a half, we're very open about sex and despite his sex drive being considerably lower than mine (maybe mine's so high because I'm frustrated?), have a pretty good sex life.

We do roleplaying a lot (no bottled up lust here) and he's very considerate in bed, and gives me lots of attention. I've been depressed for the past 3 or 4 years or so following a bout of acne and being prescribed Roaccutane (a drug renound for depressing its users) and feel that may have a lot to do with it. I'm extremely uncomfortable with my labia, and, despite being a fairly xcore feminist, am planning to get a labiaplasty as my labia are not something my self esteem and I are ready to handle right now. I also have a moderate eating disorder but again, it's something my psychiatrist and I (along with my anorgasmia, as much as he can help, not being a professional in the field) are working on, though there are no clinics that specialize in my issue in my area.

I also fake my orgasms with my boyfriend but tell him I can't come on my own, I know a lot of people say to be open and tell the truth but I feel like in this instance things are better left unsaid so as not to damage his somewhat fragile ego, though I'll probably conjure some story about how I haven't been able to come of late and go from there, working on it with him using that as the basis. I plan on buying some of your books and purchasing myself a Hitachi, but is there any other help you can offer me? Please? I'm so sorry for making this so long winded it's just something I REALLY needed to ask you about, thanks so much in advance,

PS. I also forgot to mention that I have an extremely sensitive clitoris that cannot be directly touched. Thanks again!

K

My dear girl,

You have named all of the things that are keeping you from enjoying your sexuality. I'm amazed that you have managed to collect such an abundance of problems in just 17 years. However I'm taking some time in answering this one as it covers most teen girls problems. First place to start is changing your masturbation pattern.

Second is your live-in lover means you've been living like a married woman since you were 15 and half. Way too early. I'm sure your parents meant well and would rather have you be where they can oversee your safety, but it definitely limits your ability to experience a teenagers life of having more than one partner before settling down.

Third is clearly the med for your acne. " I've been depressed for the past 3 or 4 years or so following a bout of acne and being prescribed Roaccutane (a drug renowned for depressing its users) and feel that may have a lot to do with it". If you are really serious about discovering your orgasms, you must stop taking this ridiculous drug and change your diet. I too had acne as a teen caused by my heavy addiction to sugar and fried foods (plenty of both foods available in the UK).

Fourth is a combination of problems: Your genital shame overrides your hardcore feminism as you plan on getting labiaplasty! Stop this madness! Dump that useless psychiatrist who had little or no knowledge of female sexuality other than using the term "anorgasmia." (Gee he learned a few big useless words). The only one who can deal with your real problem of having a eating disorder is YOU! Change is never easy but for anyone's growth it's essential.

Fifth is faking your orgasms and lying to your loser boyfriend (like you lie to yourself) that you can't come on your own. So you sacrifice your pleasure to protect his fragile ego. The truth will set you both free from living a big fat lie. But instead you are planing on making up an even bigger lie to cover the first one. Is it any wonder you are overweight, depressed, considering surgery to cut off part of your sex organ that enhances sexual pleasure and wasting your time and money with a lame ass psychiatrist who knows nothing about female sexuality? Just thinking about all of this would cause any girl to dive into the cookie jar and sprout another pimple!

You're obviously smart, maybe even too smart for your own good as you have sold yourself a load of crap that will NOT solve any of your problems. You are nearly a perfect example of a teen girl drowning in mis-information with (I suspect) over protective parents. Do not buy the Hitachi. It's far too strong for a beginners vibe. Besides it will not work with your electricity. A good beginners vibe is the Eroscillator used on low that also comes in a DC model. But first, start with your hands and some nice organic massage oil.

Once you arm yourself with some feminist based sex information and strengthen your desire to come off the med and embrace changing your diet, boyfriend and therapist, you will most likely want to have a place of your own as soon you get out of school and get a job. Your self- induced orgasms will give you strength to grow into a sexually independent woman. I'm rooting for you.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 
First Time Orgasm
Learn a New Orgasm: How to Upgrade Your Masturbation Technique
Learn to Orgasm in Four Acts (eBook)
Awakening the Clitoris
Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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K, some really good info from Betty

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 16:56
Jake E

From what you say, I can't see your boyfriend as a loser though. He sounds quite nice but is enveloped in the same misinformation as you, that he has to use his penis in your vagina to make you come. Your Clitoris is sensitive so the feelings are there and I think you can develop from pre-orgasmic to orgasmic. 

My tailored advice for you is, It would be nice to aim for a situation where during penatrative sex you masturbate your clit too and replace fake orgsms with real ones. Then you can tell him the full terrible truth :) that you faked, but now you don't.  Like most penis owners your boyfriend is sexually independant, if you masturbate, being sexually independant gives you so much. Personally I think love is best between people who don't so much need each other than love each other because they truly want too. Here's a link to Scarleteen for more info if you need it. Good luck :)

Let me get this straight...

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 16:11
Gym coach (not verified)

Let me get this straight... You just told a child to stop taking meds? You can get in trouble for this!

Preorgasmic is more accurate

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 17:33
Patrick_R

K, I think that Dr Betty is spot on here in many ways. The body and mind are interconnected and inseparable. Please do yourself a favor and learn to love yourself (and your vulvaj) just as you are. There is nothing wrong with you! There is so much misinformation in the media and popular culture about sexuality and the human body, and you certainly aren't to blame for your misconceptions. But the more you educate yourself with accurate information, the better equipped you'll be to learn about yourself and your own responses.

I don't know whether your boyfriend is right for you or not, but someone who is 'very considerate in bed and gives lots of attention' is unselfish and is at least trying. But he doesn't know what to do for you, because you don't know what to do for yourself! I think this is part of Dr Betty's point. You've also been misleading him (and cheating yourself) by faking. It isn't a kindness to make an intimate partner think they're pleasing you when they're not. It would be better to take a hiatus from sexual activity with your boyfriend, and let him know that you have some self-discovery you need to do for a while, which will make your relationship with him much stronger and more real in the end. Since he does seem to care about you, what he really wants is an intimate and mutually satisfying partnership with you. Giving him---and yourself---that kind of honest relationship would be the real kindness to all concerned.

You actually are fortunate in many ways. You're young. You have a lifetime of wonderful self-exploring and orgasms ahead of you. Go for it, and good luck.

My respnse to nay sayers.

Betty Dodson's picture
Sat, 07/07/2012 - 18:23
Betty Dodson

First off, are you Jake auditioning for my job as a feminsit sex educator? And to gym coach who said I could get in trouble telling a teen to stop taking a useless med for her acne, get real. Yes, like many teens I suffered being fat with acne from my bad diet. Puberty is a bitch especiallly for giirls. Whatever authoirity you have in mind, mayge the school princiipal, I say let them come get me. And Patrick as usual is correct. I apologize for naming her boyfriend a loser, but come on. He's liiving with her in her parents home and she said he has a delicate ego? And to Viv let me say our first problem in dealing with female sexuality is that we are still using the male model of sexual arousal that just doesn't apply to women. As long as women contnue to get quick foreplay and are expected to have vaginal orgasms women an men will remain at odds. A penis moving in and out of a vagina is most men's favorite kind of sex. It's also the procreative model supported by all organized religions. A woman's primary sex organ is her cltoris and it remains a mystery to most men and the women who have one. That's where masturbatiion comes in. Each woman must discover her own sexual response pattern. I love to have all of you jumping in after a post. Continue to challenge me. I thrive on it and love all of you.

Dr Betty, K is only seventeen . . .

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 19:02
Patrick_R

Hi, Dr Betty. K is only seventeen, so her boyfriend is very likely quite young himself. He may be living with K and her parents because his own home was an alcoholic hellhole, or for some other equally good reason. We really don't know, but it's nice giving people the benefit of the doubt. He has a fragile ego, but we don't know what he's been through that might have made him that way. I do know what you're saying---I think most of us, including me, often have these negative reactions to people based on limited information---but it can be good to go beyond them. I think it's also worthwhile to keep in mind that among our many cultural conditionings is one of more or less automatic contempt for male 'weakness'. We do have a very judgmental and rather unkind society in many ways, and we've all inevitably been influenced by it. So I like to keep in mind that there might be a back story about someone's upbringing or circumstances that could explain a lot about how they are.

Yes I'm now a sex educator, come to me with your problems :)

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 19:28
Jake E

 "As long as women continue to get quick foreplay and are expected to have vaginal orgasms women an men will remain at odds"

Betty before I encountered you and Carlin I'd never heard anyone articulate this point forcefully and break through the notion in our culture that sex is procreation, in favour of sexual reality. So yeah armed with that knowledge I do find I am a bit of a sex educator in the online and offline conversations I have about sex, especially with men. You could say I'm one of your many disciples :)  I think sex is an art with many creative ideas and points of view, and mine is one of those, but your observations are a real paradigm shift! 

For my Darling critics.

Betty Dodson's picture
Tue, 07/10/2012 - 16:01
Betty Dodson

I just had another emalil from K to update me which I will share with my critics.

"Hi betty, first of all I'd just like to thank you for how much I appreciate your replying to me, especially in such great detail. I've found an awful lot of what you've told me incredibly helpful but

I'd just like to correct a few things I was a bit vague on: I'm no
longer on Roaccutane, my acne cleared up years ago and I haven't taken
the drug in as many years, good riddance! But I am on an antidepressant
called citalopram which is known for causing/ worsening sexual
dysfunction, but leaving depression behind is more important to me
than achieving orgasm at the moment given I've been to hell and back.
Also I'm pretty underweight (seven and a half stone (105lbs or thereabouts)
at 165cm tall and not overweight haha and I've only been
living with him a year, but hopefully sometime soon I'll get some balls,
take heed of your advice, and ween myself from his constant company

I'll get that toy you reccomended for me and try different methods
of touching myself, and I'll really give it a good go, pinky promise
(pun intended). The labiaplasty and how I convinced myself its a neccesity 

is a HUGE problem but one I've had for years, I'll rethink it for you.

As a UK resident, free health care haha so I can't be too picky with
my psychiatrist, though you're more than right about how uninformed on
female sexuality he is, I feel like I forgot to mention how supportive
my boyfriend is, he's really great honestly, and my self confidence has
blossomed since meeting him, I'm not all there but I'm a lot better! :)
Also, I'm a masochist and am wondering if there's any correlation
between that and anorgasmia?

Thanks once again dr :)
I sent her the links that best support her sexual healing and recommended she share the information with her psychiatrist.

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