Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Dear Betty,

Hi i am 20years old have been sexually active for about 2 years now i've never masturbated or thought much about it till now. I am the daughter of a minister and i was raised in a way that made me feel i have to always cover up and cant expose anything, so it made me less comfortable in my own skin. there was a point in my life around the time i had my first boyfriend and first kiss that i was actually able to get full body arousals with no problem one touch was all it took. but when i got with my second boyfriend i was pressured for sex for about a year i thought if i gave him what he wanted he would love me but i didnt give in.

Now i've met the love of my life we have been dating for almost 2 yrs he is who i lost my virginity to at 18. before we started having sex i was always able to get turned on from him and quick full body arousal's, a month into the relationship i decided i just wanted to get sex over with, to this day i'm not sure why if it was because i was scared to be pressured and left again or some other reason.

But this guy never made sex an issue as long as he had me he was more than happy. Once we started having sex i found becoming aroused harder and harder to achieve till my clit literally stopped tingling. so i have never had an orgasm from sex oral included, not even any pleasure it just felt like i had a penis thrusting in me. Our relationship has been on the rocky side for a while now but not because of this.

so i looked to masturbation but everything in my vagina just seem to not be cooperating with me so i get frustrated and give up. im not sure how to stop these high expectations of mine. my concern is not even on achieving an orgasm right away but just for the sex and masturbation to feel good instead of feeling like nothing is going on. why doesnt my clitoris tingle anymore and why did my arousal disappear.

I also have stress that is chronic and sleep insomnia which has me taking sleeping pills nightly and i take birth control. could my insomnia,religion, birth control pills,being pressured or my relationship not being at its peek be causing affects that take away from me experiencing pleasure. can stress also be a cause? i just don't want to look to other people to give me pleasure i want to be able to do it to have the control. please help thank you!!!!!

Dear N,

Back to basics. You need to discover your orgasms by learning about your body with masturbation. Don't expect to have vaginal orgasms unless your clitoris is engaged. You actually answered your own question:

"I also have stress that is chronic and sleep insomnia which has me taking sleeping pills nightly and i take birth control. could my insomnia,religion, birth control pills,being pressured or my relationship not being at its peek be causing affects that take away from me experiencing pleasure. can stress also be a cause?" Yes to all that you have named. More and more women are discovering that the pill is lowering their sex drive. Read what Carlin has written about coming off the pill.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 

First Time Orgasm

Learn to Orgasm in Four Acts (eBook)

Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop

Awakening the Clitoris