Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hello Betty,

First off, my situation is one you have heard before: Began masturbating at a young age and was able to achieve orgasm, began using a body massager to masturbate at around 12, of course I could achieve orgasm. Had no idea what I was experiencing was an orgasm because my view of orgasm is what happened in movies, and assumed the "true" strong orgasms would happen with partner sex, of course that didn't happen. Now that I know I've been having orgasm all along I would like to experience the strong, intense, orgasms through masturbation.

On the Norwegian show you and Carlin did, you told Carlin not to tense up, and apparently Carlin had a stronger orgasm from not tensing up that did not air. My question is how can I not tense up? When I masturbate with my vibrator tensing up seems to be the only way I can orgasm, when I don't tense up I seem to lose arousal and need to begin the arousal process again.

Dear V,

When we are moving toward an orgasm there will naturally be some tension in our bodies. The idea is not to freeze up, stop moving and hold our breathes as we get close. You said, "when I don't tense up I seem to lose arousal and need to begin the arousal process again." That's OK just keep going and you will stretch out the time you spend masturbating. What's the hurry?

Remember, there are different kinds of "tensing up" as in holding all of our muscles rigid which is what Carlin was doing. That creates an orgasm which is a short explosion that quickly passes. Allowing your body to build excitement rather than pure muscle tension you need to keep going. However, I would never knock a quick tension release! There is no such thing as having a bad or wrong kind of orgasm. Don't get hooked on some idealized image of what to expect or look for. Get my e-book Sex for One or Orgasms for Two where I discuss this in more detail. Meanwhile you are doing just fine.

Dr. Betty

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