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How Can I Tell My Partner I've Been Faking Orgasms?

Thu, 06/07/2012 - 14:20
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Betty,

My partner and I have some amazing sex, but she orgasms very quickly. It's very passionate and arousing for the both of us, but after she comes, she eagerly asks if I came as well. At first, I was honest and told her no. This seemed to really upset her and she felt she was inadequate in bed. After a while, I just started saying that I did orgasm just so she would feel better about herself.

Because of this, I haven't orgasmed with her in months. My partner is satisfied but I wait until she falls asleep to masturbate and orgasm. If we do spend time on getting me to orgasm, she gets frustrated, so I fake it to end it quickly. My question is this: how can I tell my partner that I am unsatisfied in bed without hurting her feelings or lowering her morale?

Dear B,

My Dear Woman, you have just fallen into the standard snake pit of pleasing your partner by sacrificing your own pleasure. I usually hear this from heterosexual women discussing the same problem. They think they are taking too long and to protect her lover's ego, they fake an orgasm.

Come clean with her and the sooner the better. While we all know honestly can be difficult it's much better than what you are going through now. You both need to grow up and understand different women have different timing for their orgasms. If she can't handle the truth then it would be better to move along than to suffer your current situation any longer.

Dr. Betty

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Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop
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Faking and relationships

Sat, 06/09/2012 - 16:25
Patrick_R

Dr Betty is so right about the need for honesty. Faking accomplishes three bad things at once. It cheats the faking partner of pleasure. It puts a barrier of dishonesty into what ought to be an open exchange of intimacy. And it's also self-perpetuating, since as long as your partner honestly thinks they're pleasing you, they have no reason to change what they're doing in bed, and you're stuck in the same resentful, dissatisfied boat.

I'm sorry to say that many years ago I faked it a time or two myself. Not because I was deliberately trying to be disrespectful to my partner, but because she was trying very hard to please me and I knew I was too tired for anything more to happen, and I didn't want her to be disappointed. The usual rationalizations, I suppose. I learned better. I would never do that now. If the same situation were to repeat itself today, I'd say something like, "I love your touch, but I'm afraid I'm too tired now. How about trying again later?" Or admitting I need longer or different stimulation, or whatever the problem might be. None of these common human reactions is any reflection on a partner's skill as a lover.

A partner might feel temporarily bad about themselves if we admit we need them to do things differently. Their self-image would take a far harsher blow, however, if they found out after ten or twenty years together that all that enjoyment they thought they'd been giving us had amounted to nothing. If we really want to spare our partner's egos (and see to our own satisfaction), we'll be honest with them as soon as we can.

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