I Want to Come During Sex Not Just on My Own

Thu, 05/17/2012 - 13:21
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hey Betty,

I want to start off by saying that I really love your site. It has taught me so much about myself and made me feel..more normal.

Here's my question though. I am a 24 year old female. Not long ago I got into an exclusive no commitment relationship with this guy. He is my first. I started masturbating when I was 6 or 7. I didnt know back then what I was doing, just that it felt good. Knowingly I have been masturbating since I was 12, using my fingers, vibrating stuff and other thing things that I found useful. To this day I have no problem having an orgasm by masturbating (alone). This guy that I am seeing now, he is very skilled. When he goes down on me its just, really really good. Still I dont manage to come. I know what you are saying about being responsable for our own orgasms and I agree on this. The thing is though that if I try to give myself an orgasm while he is there..I just cant get there. It is not like I am incapable of having orgasms, because I have been doing it most all my life. So why is this and what can I do to change it?

Dear S,

I don't have a clear answer on this other than to blame it on our female conditioning. We are so anxious to please, to be pleasing and to be beautiful that it's very difficult for us to just let go and enter into our more animal natures. One way I broke through this was to masturbate in front of my lover while he watched. He didn't help or add any stimulation, just stayed on his side of the bed. I went thru a series of fears: how would he feel if he saw I was completely capable of giving myself a first rate orgasm? Would I look strange or disgusting when I came? What if I made some awful sounds? As I began, I touched myself in a very "ladylike" way, nothing like how I did it when I was alone. Next I thought, "This is sick. Why am I doing this anyway?" I went through a few more self-conscious thoughts and just as I was about to announce I would/could not continue, he began verbalizing a fantasy that kicked me back into my sexual pursuit.

Most women are extremely self-conscious when we are in bed with a lover. Truth is we are also self-conscious nearly all the time about how we look, how people perceive us, what kind of an impression we are making, etc, etc. In order to come, we must be in our bodies completely with no outside thoughts. Read my book "Sex for One" (now an e-book) where I describe the above situation. It got me on the other side of worrying about stupid things and getting into my body. We need to see sex as an advanced form of moving meditation that grounds in our bodies by getting us out of our self-conscious mind that is constantly chattering away. Practice is always beneficial. You need to see this as a learning process like mastering any art form. It just doesn't happen overnight. And contrary to popular belief, sex does not come naturally. What comes naturally is all the years of our sex-negative conditioning. Like my art instructor repeatedly said, "My Dear Girl. Rome wasn't built in a day."

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

same position

Thu, 10/11/2012 - 15:43

I found this post as I was looking for some help for my own challenge. I experience the exact same thing! I have mindblowing orgasms just by myself, but with my bf, it hardly ever happens because I feel a mental blockade and can't really focus on my sensations. One thing that we started to do is practizing OMing - Orgasmic meditation. There's a good book about it, called slow sex. I'm pretty sure this is just the thing I and we need to focus on. It's about turning my mind off, and opening my sexuality up for more people than just myself.
all the best wishes... lagom

How to Orgasm through sex

Mon, 04/15/2013 - 22:55
Louise wodecki (not verified)

Hi Betty, 
I've been with my husband for almost 8 years and I'm 27 this year. now and still have not had an Orgasm through sex alone, I have experienced Orgasm's either by me doing them manually or my husband going down on me. I realise that I am critoris driven when I do Orgasm. My husband has had issues with lasted long enough and has gotten to a point that he would only last a minute now with stopping or slowing he can last 8-10 sometimes longer. In this time I feel he starts to hit the right spot for me to but it's never for long enough, funny enough the spot that makes me go crazy is also the spot that makes him want to ejaculate. 

We have used vibrates before sex to get me off but never during and I am wondering if this would be a good idea, and also trying to find one that is slim enough to be able to be used between our two bodies. 
Do you have any tips for me or for him to be able to Orgasm During Sex or making him last longer, or to be able to prolong him in that spot we both love. I do believe that in that spot I would be able to Orgasm through him alone as is quite intense. Any pointers for me and him? 

I love him either way he has always been able to satisfy me without being able to during Sex I just would love to so he knows he did it and boost him up more! 

Thanks look forward to your reply! 


I request you ask questions by going to Ask Dr. Betty

Betty Dodson's picture
Tue, 04/16/2013 - 19:54
Betty Dodson

 Rather than posting under "comment". I may not see it in this format.
Spots, spots, spots. What's all the obsession with these fucking spots? Women have an entire sex organ that begins on the outside and continues inside the body. I'm including me drawing the Internal Clitoris.
Internal Clitoris


After watching this go back inside the website and continue reading all over. I've answered this question a gazillion times. Check out The Combination Orgasm. Or better yet, get my e-book Orgasms for Two that goes into this in great detail. 

Dr. Betty