Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

 0 items

• Login
• Join

Search this site:

Dear Betty,

Thank you for all your posts, answered mails and other contrubutions you give. Since I found your web page, I read quite a lot and took the first step to help myself.

I think I'm one of the women you describe as repressed sexually by the society. I grew up in an extended family where expressing love and affection was not a commonly observed behaviour, I'd say fear and intimidation is what I knew best. I never heard anyone saying I love you as a child, unless it was in a connection with a blackmail. You know those phrases "You know we love you but if...." I was not allowed to associate with my peers. I was brainwashed that education is the only thing that has value and despite being straight A student, my mom was still threatening me with the consequences if she finds out about something bad I did at school. I was taught to please people and not to do as I want. You see where I'm heading.

In my early twenties I couldn't do it anymore and I broke down. Since then I'm trying to put myself together and I think I'm doing a good job of it. I'm 32 now and I'm teaching myself how to be more relaxed and joyful and how to embrace my femininity and sexuality. I've never had an orgasm during sex. I had three long term partners, who were psychologically in as bad condition as I was and sex was miserable. I have an occasional lover (once every few months, twice all together now) and I don't orgasm with him either. I don't worry about it, I'm just practicing your advice and 'masturbate' not trying to reach the orgasm by force, as I used to do for so many years. With lots of self education and practice a desire for masturbating, sex and perhaps even orgasms will happen.

Due to my previous attitude towards sex and bad experiences (sexual and on a communication level) in relationships, especially the last relationship, I think I emotionally distanced myself from men, potential sexual partners. My last relationship ended in 2007 and it took me 3 years to get over the anger and disgust I felt towards him. I feel as if I'm emotionally ready to start dating and a relationship (either lovers or an exclusive) with a man but I found out that I don't know how to act around men I'm interested in. There are a few men I find myself attracted to but I fear I can't distinguish between an infatuation and sexual lust. If I'm on the receiving end, I don't know how to respond even though I'm interested. I behave normally, which my friends describe as extremely reserved. Since I want to reach a phase when I'll be able to have enjoyable sex with a man, I want to get over my inhibitions but I don't know how. I'm aware I'll have to become more communicative but is this all I can do to get myself on the road towards a good sex and enjoyable relationships?

Thank you for reading this. Even writing it felt therapeutic.

J

Dear J,

When you say, "I can't distinguish between an infatuation and sexual lust" I'd say they are nearly the same thing. Either one is a good place to start learning about sex with partners. And since you are just 32, go for several different experiences with different men before choosing one. Since you have your birth control managed, go for lust and start logging in some sexual experiences.

No one tells us that's how we learn about sex, but experience is honored in every other field of endeavor. Except when it comes to sex, women are expected to be (nearly) virginal meaning "lack of experience" yet we want our boys to have plenty of sex so they'll be good in bed. Turns out most guys can fuck their brains out and still not have a clue about how to please a woman. How we masturbate is what we bring to partnersex. And once you learn how to orgasm with yourself, you can do the same thing with a partner.

"To get yourself on the road towards a good sex and enjoyable relationships" begins with the ability to give yourself a first rate orgasm. That alone will make you more sociable once your sex energy is moving. So practice, practice, practice after you read the enclosed links.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 

First Time Orgasm

Learn to Orgasm in Four Acts (eBook)

Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop

Awakening the Clitoris