How to Best Use a Vibrator

Thu, 04/26/2012 - 08:38
Submitted by Betty Dodson
Original Drawing Betty Dodson

First let's define our terms so we are on the same page. A vibrator is toy that either plugs into an electrical outlet, operates by batteries or it’s rechargeable. They do what the name implies: they vibrate. A dildo is a toy that is designed for vaginal and/or anal penetration. As a rule, they do not vibrate although some models do.

One of women’s biggest sexual challenges today is that society still uses the male model of sexual response for us; in spite of the fact that we function differently. What I mean by the “male model” dates back to Dr. Sigmund Freud and 18th century prudery. His cockamamie theory was: All forms of clitoral stimulation were infantile and a mature woman would be able to transfer pleasure sensations to her vagina. Today Pious Christians, Mormons as well as Orthodox Jews demand this because it’s the procreative model. It’s also what most people think of as “real sex.”

Contemporary porn also focuses on vaginal, anal or oral penetration with a penis. Let’s face it women: Most men want to get inside one of our orifices for their climax. BUT it’s not the best way for us to have our orgasms. My recommendation for teen girls or women beginning to explore their bodies is to start by focusing entirely on clitoral stimulation beginning with their own private masturbation. Once your orgasms are in place, you can share that information with a lover.

The first step is to view your vulva in a mirror that stands alone to free both your hands. You will need some organic massage oil and a good light source. Begin with an overall vulva massage. Next hold your outer lips open. Then pull the hood up to expose the clitoral glans. It seems a cruel trick of Mother Nature to have our clits above the vagina, but she gave us a mightily endowed little sex organ with its 8,000 nerve endings.

Avoid direct contact with your clitoral glans. It’s best to begin using just your hands, but if you use a vibrator, do not put it in one place. Keep moving it around above, below and to either side of your clitoris. Never press down harder to get more sensation! Your clitoris will shut down. To increase sensation use pelvic rocking and breathing out loud— I call it the “Rock ‘n Roll Orgasm.

Far too many women brutalize their sweet clitorises by using a vibrator like a jack hammer demanding results! No wonder our clits go into pain mode or refuse to respond. We cannot demand an orgasm! Anyone with an obsessive orgasm quest rarely enjoys any of the good feelings during a build-up. Please don’t leave your first orgasm up to your partner who knows less about your body than you do. Each of us does better when we discover our own orgasms through masturbation and then share that information with our lovers.

Otherwise, he will do what he likes which is once again, the male model of sexual response: A few minutes of foreplay and then it’s a dive for the vaginal opening. Most women need up to an hour of clitoral stimulation to be fully turned on. He’s getting what he wants long before her internal clitoris gets plumped up. (link to diagram) Women have nearly as much erectile tissue as men only ours is internal. Unfortunately most guys are circumcised which means they need friction to get and keep an erection and many come too fast. The old image of foreplay to get a woman turned on doesn’t work for all of us. Most women want clitoral stimulation throughout intercourse similar to what a man gets. That’s why so many women prefer oral sex if her lover has pussy licking skills.

The number one sex toy is some kind of additional lubrication. Although some women believe “being wet” is analogous to a man “getting hard” our own vaginal lubrication can dry out too quickly. Besides, a woman can be very excited and remain vaginally dry for many reasons; nerves, fear, diet, drugs, repression, and menopause to name a few. The use of some kind of lubricant for every type of vulva touching including all forms of penetration will deliver maximum pleasure. Get some kind of organic oil like coconut or almond found in health food stores. If a couple is using condoms, a water based lube is required as oil will break down latex. When water based lubes get sticky, just add a few drops of water.

A good beginning vibrator is the Mystic Wand used on the low setting. The Eroscillator is also good on low. If you have a Magic Wand, I suggest some fabric be placed between your clitoris and the vibrator. Or put a nice thick sports sock on the head of the Wand for a softer vibe. The vibrator in the drawing is the old Panabrator that's no longer available. It pre-dates the Magic Wand.

The Rabbit vibrator has both a shaft for vaginal penetration and a small rabbit on the side for clitoral stimulation. This is my least favorite toy for many reasons. The first one is when I want clitoral stimulation; I must have the shaft all the way inside my vagina. For a beginner this can be far too big a challenge. I also resent the fact that full vaginal penetration is required in order to get the clitoral vibe in the right place. Once you have your clitoral orgasms in place, vaginal penetration can be added later on. Go to our sex shop to learn about our current favorite toys.

The vagina is very flexible but not in the beginning. This is where the Pelvic Floor or PC muscle exercises come in. To strengthen them, squeeze the muscles tight and release them. Think Yoga exercises when we stretch and hold tight and then release the muscles while exhaling. Or if they are too tight, the squat will lengthen and relax them. After you are sufficiently turned on, which will be more than a few minutes of clitoral contact, you can begin to explore slow vaginal penetration. A good beginning dildo can be a zucchini or carrot pared down to a size that feels the most comfortable.

The romantic image of HIM giving HER an orgasm is still a male obsession and continues in spite of the fact that most young men have no idea what to do other than what he likes— the male model of sex once again. She ends up faking an orgasm to end the session or to avoid hurting his feelings. We must take control of our own orgasms and show our partners what we prefer. The current crop of teen and twenty-something women in America (and the world) are totally confused about orgasm, what it feels like, and how to have one. I believe a big part of this problem is due to pornography standing in for sex education and mankind’s need to control women’s sexual behavior. Meanwhile women expect sex to be similar to movies where the man gets on top and within a short period of time, he comes. We are viewing male orgasms nearly exclusively.

No wonder so many young women and men continue to believe that a penis inside a vagina should be enough for a woman to enjoy orgasm. And now that we have a G spot that proves it, yes? Well, no! Not exactly! Only a handful of women respond to G spot stimulation. However, all of the women's magazines and sex stores continue to promote the concept that there is a hot spot inside the vagina - if only we could find it and every woman liked it. While it's true that some women do enjoy G spot toys and they squirt from brisk stimulation on the ceiling of their vaginas or even with a vibrator held on their clitoris, most will agree that squirting is NOT the same as having an orgasm.

The clitoris is a woman's primary organ for pleasure. Secondary forms come from numerous different sources of direct, indirect, and mental stimulation. While a handful can get off with indirect clitoral contact, the rest of us will want the Combination Orgasm which is a more direct form of clitoral contact with vaginal penetration either with our partners or when we use a dildo. For every woman struggling to discover her orgasm, once it becomes an obsession, she will not enjoy the good feelings she has during partner sex. Beginners need to empty their minds of expectations and stay inside their bodies. Orgasms often start small but they will gradually grow stronger over time.

Sex toys are a blessing for human sexuality. They are not crutches, nor are they substitutes for anything and they are here to stay. So stop worrying about getting hooked on a vibrator and not being able to come using your fingers so HE can use his fingers and GIVE you an orgasm. That is such tired old romantic crap— its time everyone let it go. We need to realize that we are each responsible for our own orgasms. Believe me, if you ever got stranded on an island without electric current or a source for batteries, by the end of the year you would be coming by your own hand. Big deal!!!

Remember, sexual play and orgasms are not about proving he is a virile man or that that she is a sexy desirable woman. It doesn’t demonstrate how madly in love you are with each other either— it’s simply about adult play. So have fun!

PS

Language is inadequate so that’s why an image is worth a thousand words. Be sure to view our video clips that can easily and inexpensively be streamed from our website.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Thanks for this great post.

Thu, 04/26/2012 - 16:34
lsjb (not verified)

Thanks for this great post.  No matter how many times I read or hear orgasm stories or read articles, its never enough.
I wonder if you would do a similar post to educate men about how to use their fingers, tongues, etc on women's vulvas.  It's helpful to be able to hand out an article to someone who may then find their way to the webite.  Sometimes its just immediately gratifying to have something in your hands (as we say).

Sexuality and vibrators . . .

Fri, 04/27/2012 - 14:53

Dr Betty, another very comprehensive and excellent post! I would add that almost as many men as women are regular vibrator users (44 percent versus 52 percent in one study), and that there is a real scarcity of high-quality vibrators made specifically for men. Some vibrators designed mainly for women can easily be adapted for male use, however.

Just as women shouldn't use the 'male model' of sexual response, men should not think there is anything wrong with them because their response is not identical with the female. Women and men need to be knowledgeable about the typical arousal patterns of the other gender (and make accomodations accordingly), but it is just as important to be informed about the arousal patterns of your particular partner, which will always be individual and possibly not 'typical' at all.

There is a paradox in contemporary sexology that more or less minimizes the role of the erect penis in heterosexual relations, yet insists on a prolonged male erection even though very few women are said to actually enjoy what that erect penis does for them. The result is that men struggle against their own natural arousal pattern so they don't 'come too fast', even while being understandably confused about whether their partner even cares about their erection. One solution might be for the male partner to stop struggling and let himself have a relatively quick first orgasm (manual or oral). Then, if one's partner does enjoy intercourse, to try variations on it that both partners can enjoy on equal terms. Often both partners can have more than one orgasm (through manual, oral, or some form of vibration or penetration) as long as they have a partner who understands them and is willing to provide the level of stimulation necessary for true mutual satisfaction. Personally, I wish men and women could simply relax, drop all the stress and preconceptions, and just feel free to enjoy one another in any ways that appeal to them.

Thank you Patrick R

Fri, 04/27/2012 - 15:38

For such a thoughtful response. While most women do love an erect penis
during partnersex, it's been my experience that it isn't going to be
sufficently adequate to give me an orgasm unless some kind of direct
clitoral stimualtion is added. However you are so right about the
pressure on men to get and keep an erction. It's enormous. One solution
would be what you suggested, he can have an early come while she
continues her build-up and then he can get another erection. I often
advise men to masturbate and come just before a hot sex date. Too many
save up but that just doesn't work. Also, when a guy goes soft, he could
always pick up her favorite dildo and continue. I've always wondered why
more men don't do that. Any way, thanks Patrick. You're really cool.

Oh Patrick I agree

Fri, 04/27/2012 - 16:48

When we're not involved in conversations about sex, sharing knowledge, we make presumptions from ignorance about what is normally expected of us, and how we shape up to that rather than exploring diversity empowered with knowledge. And kudos to Betty for furthering that knowledge with a nice article.  

Dr Betty and Jake, thanks . . .

Fri, 04/27/2012 - 17:46

Dr Betty and Jake, thanks for your kind words. I don't know why more men wouldn't use whatever their partner likes to keep things going---dildo, vibrator, or whatever. It only makes sense to use whatever works---although if a woman's partner doesn't think of those things first, she shouldn't be shy about proposing what she would like him to do. I think it's only fair to reduce the excessive 'performance pressure' on men. Instead, I'd replace it with mutual giving, creativity, and generosity. Who doesn't want a lover willing to go the extra mile for them? By the way, Betty, this particular, very comprehensive article of yours is an example of why many of us think of you as an indispensable resource. There is really no one else like you.

solution for men...

Wed, 10/31/2012 - 13:02

If I may offer an excellent solution for men about finger stimulation, it would be to use silicone lubircant, the slip never fades and it places a layer between your finger and our skin... a very, very good feeling.

Really we are living in a

Sun, 11/04/2012 - 00:26

Really we are living in a modern society but still to fulfill the sexual desire of the women we simply depend upon and uses male models, but medically and scientifically it was proved and invent several tools and toys related to fulfill our sexual needs in the form of sex toys such as "Dildo" & "Vibrator" one of the leading sex toys found in world market.

Here in the above article we can heard about the possibilities of using vibrator and one step towards oral sex which provides a better experience on sexual experience.
Filmes porno

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