Fantasize About Cheating When I Have Sex with My Husband

Tue, 04/03/2012 - 08:49
Submitted by Betty Dodson

HI Betty and Carlin!

(Here is a little background of me)I grew up in a catholic home and Hispanic culture, so you can imagine how the topic about sex was just something that we NEVER talked about. However, I remember always being super curious and open to it. I married a Mexican man(8 yrs now) he was my first partner. To make long story short last year I was involved with another man.

Since then I confessed to my husband in my mind I was ready for a Divorce but he "forgave me" and we decided to work on our marriage, but he of course does not want to EVER talk about the infidelity. As I think back, I realize that the only reason I was with another man is because I was sexually attracted to him and in some way he made me feel more liberated, if that makes any sense. It only happened once but I really enjoyed it and of course that's were GUILT and SHAME builds inside me.

So when It comes to having sex with my husband I cant help but to think about that sexual encounter with that other man so it takes me way longer to get aroused. The weird thing is that before I confessed to my husband I didn't have this problem, Its after I told him that I cant concentrate in bed with him. I even stopped masturbating because of the shame that i get. I don't know what to do? Should I tell my husband of what I am thinking? Should I find a separate counselor? will my thoughts go away? Please help! Thanks

Dear J,

Go to our front page and listen to our video about Guilt. Feeling guilty is totally worthless and is a hangover from Catholicism. You can take control of your mind and stop punishing yourself over a natural happening to any sexual person after 8 years of having sex with the same partner. Chances are the reason your husband was so good about forgiving you is that he most likely has had a fling himself. If you read around the website, you'll discover that neither Carlin nor I am a big fan of monogamy, mainly because it simply makes liars out of both sexes.

I suggest you start masturbating again and use the memory of feeling more liberated with a stranger (which is quite common by the way). Go over that memory and use it as a turn on with yourself as well as the next time you have sex with your husband. You can add images and
imagine more to develop this fantasy into a reliable arousal for years to come. When it gets too old or loses it's heat, have another fling. Truth be known, these occasional forays into sex with strangers has saved many a marriage.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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guilt, fear and shame

Tue, 04/03/2012 - 19:02
BorderReiver (not verified)

The Catholic church is one of the most evil institutions on the planet.  It's history is written with the blood of countless victims.
But on the subject...........
Take the Irish Catholics for example.  They wouldn't exist with out the emotions of guilt, fear and shame.
If anyone doesn't believe this, read the book "Angela's Ashes", by Frank McCourt.

Fantasies are an important part of human sexuality.  Dr. Betty hits it on the head, as usual.
Guilt, fear, shame and regrets are a waste of energy and time, which is most precious.
I have had 'other woman' fantasies while having sex with my wife.  Sometimes it's the trigger I need to be able to get off, which if you read my blog on foreskin restoration, you will see why I have non-orgasmic troubles.
Hopefully that will change as it's supposed to as my restoration continues.
It is not at all that I don't love my wife.  I would kill or be killed for her in a heartbeat.
Sometimes though, when I am having a hard time getting to the 'get-off' point, I have to replay some hot moments of the past in my mind.
While my wife and I have a very healthy sex relationship, it's not the most incredible sex that I've ever had, but it's good enough.
Times change, people change, we get older.  Sometimes some of the things we thought to be essential in the past, don't have the importance they once did.
It's good that you and your husband have this worked out, but don't ever let anyone keep you from getting what you need in life.
When a spouse starts building a cage around you, it's time to move on.  Been there, done that.
The Border Reiver

Guilt and monogamy

Thu, 04/05/2012 - 00:52

Please, let your imagination go free during sex and during (lots!) of masturbation to orgasm! Whether you're monogamous or not, your imagination should feel free to go anywhere it likes.

The only real hold the Catholic Church has on its members is the fear it generates through its constant threats of Hell. I was raised in a Catholic home in which there were drastic, humiliating punishments even for repeating a "bad word" I had overheard but didn't understand. Shame and guilt were everywhere, including being threatened with Hell when I was a child because I'd discovered masturbation. The Catholic Church is so crazily, viciously anti-sexual that they teach that normal, healthy adolescence itself is sinful. Please set yourself free from the ways the RC church has poisoned your mind. They're wrong, they're cruel, and you deserve better.

BTW, monogamy can work, if a couple makes a commitment to making it work. My wife and I have done this. Admittedly at times it's been anything but easy. But you have to value your partner and your promises more than you value anything else.