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Boyfriend Doesn't Want Sex. I Don't Want to Cheat.

Fri, 04/13/2012 - 08:06
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Dr. Betty,

I have been with my boyfriend for the last five years. Initially, our sex life was fine, not to say, it was nearly a bit much for me. But after half a year his interest started to diminish. By now, he is usually to tired if I try to initiate sexy time. He works a lot but even at weekends and during holidays he'd rather do something else but have sex. He says he loves me, he says there is nobody else, he says there is nothing wrong with our sex life.

We do it maybe once a month. Often it is either after I initiated and for a change he did not say no, or he wakes up in the middle of the night and wants a 2min half sleep humping session. It makes me feel completely undesirable and I have started to get "too" excited for my own liking when another man shows interest in me. I don't want to cheat, but I got extremely close this week. How can I improve the situation with my boyfriend?

I recently read Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch, but somehow trying his four points don't get me any results - I get frustrated fast too and I have to be honest, I do give out a lot because of it. I try not to mention it to avoid pressurising him, but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. I don't want to cheat. I don't want to live celibate.

Thanks,
B

Dear B,

Since you say: "I don't want to leave him. I don't want to cheat. I don't want to live celibate" then I suggest you fill in with lots of first-rate self-loving with sex toys and hot fantasies. We can't change someone else but we can change ourselves. Your situation is quite average for couples living together past the first couple of years. It's called "mating in captivity" the title of a book by Esther Perel that might be worth a read.

While society pushes monogamy or even insists upon it, that's what causes the blahs in heterosexual coupling. Variety is and will always be the very spice of life. And I don't believe Schnarch's book at all. There's rarely such thing as a fully monogamous man unless his dick doesn't work. The other problem is that women are brain washed with romantic notions of hot sex with love everlasting. Nope! Sex is just another appetite that loves to taste new things unless you are a hamburger and fries sort of dull person who likes things to be the same.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 
I Wish My Boyfriend’s Sex Drive Were Higher Than Mine
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My Libido Went to the Revolution & All I Got was This Lousy T-Shirt
The Chemistry of Pleasure
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My approach worked for me

Sat, 04/14/2012 - 14:16
Heylin

I had a similar problem eariler in my marriage. Finally I just told my husband straight up that I was frustrated and that if another man showed interest in me, I would take him up on his offer. We actually had to talk about and work sex into our schedules which is not incredibly "romantic" but it worked for us. I don't know your situation but we have jobs (the biggest libido killer), kids, sports for said kids, animals, and volunteer committments that would really destroy sexy time if we let it. Also, take Betty's advice and get yourself off often and well.

try to talk him into a test run

Mon, 04/16/2012 - 13:16
AnnaMarela (not verified)

how about trying to talk him into a test run. I read an article yesterday about a couple that had nearly 0 sex at all. they committed themselves to have sex once a day for a month. the first two weeks or so sucked for them, but then they really started to enjoy themselves. half a year later they still had sex twice a week or so, and they were having fun doing it.

seems like a case of learning by doing for me.

tell hubby to go for it and try it out or inform him you will try it with someone else. if he knows, it is not cheating! ;) 

My boyfriend of 6 months said he isnt intereested in sex

Fri, 04/20/2012 - 10:14
so sad (not verified)

I have been with my boyfriend for about six months. When we 1st met sex was all the time. He even bought me sexy outfits to wear. Now we just stopped having sex. When I asked him why he said he just wasnt in the moood. He also had ed and cant afford viagra. He is also stressed out about his job. However I feel like he isnt attracted to me and has lost his spark. I even wonder if he still loves me even though he says he does. He said sex isnt every thing. How do I not take this personallly? I tried to explain to him that I dont understand how we can go from making love 3 to 4 times a week to nothing. I told him I feel like it is all me. This is breaking my heart. I love him so much but yet I feel that nothing is gonna get better and every thing has changed so much. I wonder if I should just end this relationship or hang in there. This has been going on for about 3 months. I cant talk to him anymore because he is getting mad because I dont understand. Someone please help.  BTW I havent gained any weight or nothing like that.

He probably has emotional

Fri, 04/20/2012 - 11:36
Elin A (not verified)

He probably has emotional problems that he feels he can't talk about. It has nothing to do with you. But you need to be able to talk about it, and he needs to talk about his problems. If he can't do that, perhaps you should break up.
And don't make it about ed and have him go on viagra. It's natural to go through periods where you don't want sex and/or can't perform. It's natural and he shouldn't take strong medicine just so that he can fuck. 

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