Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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dear betty!

i am glad to have found your youtube-blog and this site here - i think you and carlin are so inspiring and i hope to find other inspiring sex-workshop-stuff here in europe...anyway, what i wanted to ask you. i am in my mid-twenties and in an lesbian relationship for almost 12 years now. in the early years there was a lot of repression of feelings and desires, sexual guilt - we both come from quite difficult backgrounds. but each of us liberated herself - also sexually, but there is still a lot of healing to do.

we have great sex, but there are times that i dont know how to communicate difficult topics, e.g. sometimes i dont like the smell of my partners vulva - its just too strong (she thinks daily showers are supressing women to "tidy" themselves up and that she is clean)and she also urinates often during sex (she also ejaculates often). it doesnt matter to her, but it matters to me when i am going down on her.and i think i know the difference between the smell of ejaculation and urination (or would you say, that ejaculation also has a urinary smell/taste???) and i just have difficulties talking to her about these things. she wet her bed when she was a kid and i know that it is difficult for her to talk about this. i told her a few times that i think she peed, but she just doesnt care.

there is just a thin line between telling her whats important to me or what i can or cannot handle and what might make her feel pressured. i dont want to pressure her, but i also dont want to "hide" my feelings and thoughts. she might think that i have a problem with my or others body fluids (like my own period during sex which is partly true).

i think my question is very long. maybe you can help. thank you and nice spring wishes from europe!

sk

Dear S,

You must communicate your needs and she must accommodate them. Right now, you're bending over backwards way too much to avoid hurting her feelings while sacrificing your own pleasure. Not a good idea. This is just another example of more confusion over "female ejaculation" as a cover for urinary incontinence. Yes. it's quite possible that urine is part of female ejaculation. As a non-ejaculator with no desire to learn, I cannot speak from experience, but many women have complained of a similar "smell and taste" of so-called "female ejaculate."

Your GF needs to strengthen her pelvic floor muscle which has been weakened (by her shame over bed wetting?). Now you are getting all of her unconscious anger and that's not fair. Check out my information on the PC muscle and how to tone it.

When confronting a difficult topic with a lover, always start with a compliment of what you like that they do well. Then bring up what you need her to do to accommodate your needs. I recommend all women do this before having sex with a partner: insert a finger inside your vagina for a smell and taste test. You might mention this to her. Or dip your finger in her vagina and then put it under her nose and ask for her feedback. Most every woman I know washes her pussy before sex with a lover. Europe even has the advantage of bidets that are so practical even for rinsing off after a bowel movement. Dry toilet paper does not do an adequate job. Also wet wipes are another solution. I couldn't do without them. Until you solve this problem, if I were you, I'd switch over to manual sex.

Dr. Betty