Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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But then Betty he would be in the same situation with the next lover. J If he has good sustaining erections (and don't forget those erections are yours and exist because your gorgeous) and he's giving you orgasms he's giving you all he can. He just needs to masturbate to good porn so he can find his sexual fantasies and turned on states of mind that tip him over the edge into orgasm. 

What he has is the opposite of premature ejaculation. I'd recommend he goes to his doctor as well to see of he needs to see an andrologist or urologist to check out if he has a physical problem. If he hasn't then he needs to develop a sexual mindspace and he'll do that masterbating to good porn (visual or erotic writing) to help him develop his own sexual fantasies. He needs those sexual fantasies when he's with you to call upon to tip him over into orgasm. 

Dear J,

As Dr Betty suggests, it might be helpful to ask yourself if your self-image as a good lover is making you so determined to get your friend off. But if the two of you really like one another and value your relationship, there might be good reasons to work on this problem together. I would suggest making sex with your friend something fun and light-hearted, and not such a struggle. Focusing on extended mutual enjoyment and not on his orgasm could help do that. If he comes eventually during a session, that's great. If not, you've still both had a good time. BTW, I hope and trust that you're taking precautions to safeguard your health.

J, are you saying that your boyfriend has never had an orgasm, or just never with you? If he can physically have orgasms but is inhibited with you, there could be many reasons for it. Just to take one example, when I was a very unhappy Catholic teenager I'd been scared pretty much sexless for years by threats that I'd go to Hell if I masturbated or went near a girl. After years of no sex I finally "experimented", but I was convinced that the "sin" lay in having an orgasm, so I tried to avoid coming. His religious background, fear of getting a partner pregnant, or other psychological factors could play a part in his troubles. No, you can't be his therapist, but if you like each other, you can talk out this issue honestly and maybe make some progress towards understanding and resolving it. Just please don't invest your ego in his ability to orgasm, because it's not in your control and it's his job rather than yours. From what you've said I doubt there's anything wrong with your techniques. Some guys just have psychological hurdles to overcome, just as some women do.  Best wishes.

J, I have to respectfully disagree with part of Jake E's opinion:
"If he has good sustaining erections (and don't forget those erections
are yours and exist because your gorgeous) and he's giving you orgasms
he's giving you all he can. He just needs to masturbate to good porn so
he can find his sexual fantasies and turned on states of mind that tip
him over the edge into orgasm."
He's not *giving* you orgasms and you won't be *giving* him orgasms, when it happens.  You can respectfully work through this as a couple, but his physical reaction (or lack thereof) is not a reflection of you, your body, or your sexual prowess.
I agree that watching porn could be a good idea, but what is "good porn"?  Maybe he needs to discover what turns him on, and gradually so.  He doesn't even need to watch anything hardcore, necessarily, for that to happen.  As he's watching softer porn, what does he find himself wishing will happen next?  Then talk about it.  Maybe this would be more effective than being bombarded with hardcore sexual imagery??
Maybe this is a stupid question/suggestion, and hopefully somebody more knowlegeable can jump in and answer/correct this as needed: sometimes when my boyfriend stimulates my clit for too long, it's almost like it's stuck in overdrive... I'm physically turned on, but just won't come... almost like I'm numb.  Is it possible that this is happening to him?  Maybe instead of rushing into all the raunchiest sex acts, you should take your time and build up with lots of gentle foreplay, so that there's something more left for him to ask for?
Good luck!!
PS: Can't believe you can sustain a blow job for that long... my jaw feels like it's going to dislocate after about 15-20 minutes... ;)

Jake E,

I have to say I disagree with your advice/opinion here. You seem to equal this case to an adult man having erectile problems. There is no indication in the original post that he has problems sustaining an erection. I think it's important to make it clear that we can't know this person, who might very well be a teenage boy, has a problem at all. 

I would love it if Betty could come in here and give us some info about how young men work, especially pre-orgasmic or who have just recently reached orgasm for the first time. Doesn't the penis need to be activated just like the clit? Neural pathways to be built and all? And isn't sustaining an erection, too, an ability that is built gradually? (Not that he seems to have that problem).

With the info we have, it seems he should just practice masturbation. And without any preassure that he should be able to do this and that. What he shouldn't do is see this as a problem and get thrown head first ino advanced sexual activity that he's not ready for. He should be encouraged in exploring himself and sexual self, at his own pace. Otherwise he will be intimidated by his "inability" to perform and develop an unnecessary complex. 

So, from my point of view with the info we have, it seems the only problem is making it into a problem. The exception would be that he has underlying issues with his sexuality, which might explain why he hasn't masturbated before. But we can't know that, either. It could be he just never "discovered" himself until now.

Most teenaged males don't have a problem with erections per se. But psychological fears, negative messages from religion, etc. could distract from pleasure and make orgasm difficult. Sometimes if our partner's techniques are too different from our own, it might make orgasm more difficult as well. Honest and friendly talks can help to overcome such problems.

It's also true at least for me that really prolonged stimulation of the kind that J's boyfriend is getting can make coming difficult. (This might be similar to what Sarah J describes). It's as if the pelvic floor muscles just get too tired to contract (along with some "numbness" from the overwhelmed nerve endings). A brief break in the stimulation helps to get everything back on track. Also, if J's boyfriend feels pressured to come, that might create anxiety that could make it more difficult to have an orgasm the longer the stimulation goes on.

We're all making our best guesses here, of course, because we don't have the information we'd need to make more informed suggestions. We don't know how comfortable J's boyfriend is with sexuality, we don't know whether he's regularly orgasmic, etc. I hope he has access to accurate information about sex, and will take the time to explore his own responses and overcome any guilt or shaming he might have been subjected to. J and her boyfriend are both young. There's no need to rush anything about their sexuality. They have plenty of time to learn about their own sexuality and about each other. IMO it would be nice if they could relax, enjoy one another's company, and have no agenda other than sharing some no-pressure, naturally flowing mutual enjoyment.

I think a year old boy who has never masturbated must be a bit rare; I wonder if he does have some physiological problem that the girlfriend is not aware of. She states, "We have tried everything Betty" but yet he hasn't tried doing it himself? Hmmmm. Something doesn't quite jive.

Hi J
I just have to put in that i had a symilar experience with my girlfriend when we first had sex. it was the first time for the both of us and I was very nervous. So nervous infact that i did not reach orgasm the first time we had vaginal sex. I am still trying to figure out why it happened but from what i understand for me personally i was so focused on helping her reach orgasm that i forgot about myself. mix in the nerve racking experience of having someone see you naked when noone else has before and actually preforming sex with the worries of what if she thinks i am crap just did not work.
the second time we had sex i think i just reached a point where i let my fear go and we had an amazing orgasm together.
I think the best thing is communication but if as you say that your boyfriend is that repressed that he does not even partake in self love then he is definetly not ready to be in a sexual relationship and Dr Betty is right in saying you should probably not persue a relationship with this boy.

A boy/young man who has never (!) masturbated seems to be very rare,I think. Why don't you suggest him to learn how to masturbate? Have you ever asked him why he doesn't masturbate? 

Sarah I know what your saying, I like the notion of giving during love making and I think giving an orgasm means something slightly different to me or J who are orgasmic than it does to someone who isn't and needs therapy like J's boyfriend. She can't give him an orgasm until he can orgasm himself, just like you can't make someone laugh who has no sense of humour.   They have to do something to find that sense of humour before either they or you can make them laugh.

Ellin because Jay has been giving him long bj's it seems he has no erectile problems so that leaves possible ejaculation problems and if he has  no physical problem a doc may find deep psychological problems such as being abused as a child. If it's non of those it's likely a psychological problem that can respond to self help.. So it's just a process of elimination to find and hopefully sort his problem.  

The best porn for him to use isn't explicit and voyeuristic but erotica that inspires imagination because he needs to create stronger sexual fantasies. Stills are best because your mind has to animate them.  I wouldn't recommend any mainstream porn not even soft porn like this because he'll get unrealistic notions of what a sexy woman is and start to devalue a lot of real and wonderful beauty.  The best site in the world for him is ishotmyself.com where he can fantasise about people who have a diversity of beauty desiring him. He'll both sexually value female desire for him, and diverse beauty, and eventually easily fantasise about them. There's also an array of erotic blogs  to mix it up a bit like Dee's hot randomosity. Anyway J good luck. 

 Jake,

Again, we don't know that he has a problem - physical of psychological. It's rash to assume so, especially since we have so little information, and possibly damaging to label this person (probably a kid) with having a problem. I really feel like we're projecting all sorts of prejucism onto this person. Becaue he's a man (?) he's supposed to masturbate and if he doesn't he's got psychological issues. And if he can't come, he has either physiological or psychological issues as well. I have to say i'm very sceptic to this approach.  

It's not strange that a person, man or woman, who has never practiced masturbation or had an orgasm on their own, doesn't suddenly spring out - all sexual functions in place just because they find a partner. Most men probably don't remember, but there was a time when they'd never had an orgasm and for all we know, it's a skill that takes time to build and its foundation is laid before puberty. (Help us, Betty!) From that perspective, it's not only not strange that he's not coming - it's perfectly natural. But by practicing advanced partner sex without the expected "outcome" and hearing that he has a problem because he can't come (yet), he may very well develop a complex that could inhibit his ability to do so. It's even possible that just after the first time of trying to have sex with his GF, he got afraid because things didn't turn out as "expected". And here we are.

I also don't think you have to have a deep psychological issue just because you're a male and don't masturbate. It may be rare, but we really don't know that, either. It may very well be that many young boys don't learn to do it, but don't admit it.

But maybe he does come from a home where masturbation in discouraged. That doesn't mean he has to see a therapist. Just start from the beginning and learn to masturbate. If he simply can't bring himself to it because he's ashamed, than a therapist might be an option.

"I think the best thing is communication but if as you say that your boyfriend is that repressed that he does not even partake in self love then he is definitely not ready to be in a sexual relationship and Dr Betty is right in saying you should probably not pursue a relationship with this boy."

Yes,communication might be helpful in this case. But the suggestion to leave him because he doesn't "perform" well sounds a bit harsh. Maybe he's just too nervous and overwhelmed with this sexually new situation. He didn't even masturbate and all of a sudden he has to go like a Swiss watch. If a woman got left because she has sexual issues then almost everyone shows her understanding and calls the man insensitive and shallow. But if a man has sexual issues then it's okay to leave him just because he is a waste of time for the woman? I don't think that's okay.

Ellin you've got a good point. It's better to go the other way round than I've suggested and start with self help and non goal orientated partner sex and exploring pleasure. Thanks for the insight.  

Icyqueen I agree with you, Young padawan the experience of your own that you related seems to contradict your advice to J. Surely you wouldn't have liked to have been dumped when sex wasn't working and be denied the oportunity to relax and lose your fear.  As Betty says we don't have to be someones sex therapist but we do it out of the spirit of friendship because we like someone. I migt be wrong but I think being expected to please men who have far less or no concern for her pleasuire or sexuality is part of Betty's life experience. Where as I like to hope people won't behave that way and advise them not too. I think we make ever changing estimates in life rather than judgements and those are a mixture of life experience and hope.  

Icyqueen,
I so agree! I, too, want true sympathy, not just for the women/girls! I do smell a double standard here.

Jake,

I'm so used to being contradicted that I'm like baffled when you suddenly agree with me! 
I agree with what you write to Icyqueen. And if they really like eachother and want to be together sexually as well, there's nothing that says things couldn't be great down the road. If they do things wisely. But who does anything wisely when they're a teenager??
Maybe he should be left alone sexually, albeit encouraged by friendship, at this stage. I feel the very expectation of sex beteen them might inhibit the process he needs to go trough.
On the other hand I might be wrong.

Ha ha Elin you genuinely made a good point, so I couldn't not agree with you.

I think J is seeking some wisdom and if they're at all compatible her boyfriend will be into it too, so the outlook is hopeful I think :)