How Do I Make The Cow Girl Work Better?

Sat, 03/10/2012 - 18:00
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

First of all, I was so excited when I found your website (i came across it when I was looking up the article 'myth of the vaginal orgasm' ) and I thank you for now I have vast amounts of evidence to use when I have sex talks with friends etc.

However, I need advice on making cow girl better. I have been with my boyfriend for years and every time I get on top he takes over from the bottom in a matter of minutes. I think my problem is that I can't get enough speed and am very slow. Also I don't even know if I'm doing the actual position right. For example, is it an up-down motion or forward backwards motion? I would really like to be able to get him off while I'm in control but so far it hasn't happened.

Dear L,

So many men have been "running the fuck" for so long, they have no idea how to surrender to a woman. Tell your Darling BF to let you do the moving and establish the rhythm. Speak it very clearly but sweetly. The first few times I tried this way back then, it was so unheard of that a woman could take over that one lover complained that I was using him like a dildo. Yes, but he was still attached to it.

In your case, make it sound like you want to play a new game called "My living flesh dildo" or some other cute name. Don't worry about how to move. Try it all and your body will let you know what feels best. Never worry about your man getting off. The most erotic thing for any man is to be with an authentically orgasmic woman. Ride 'em cowgirl!

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Where is the balance in this?

Sun, 03/11/2012 - 15:25

Dear Dr Betty,

'Never worry about your man getting off'? I'm surprised to see you write this. Being unconcerned with your partner's getting off is a prescription for selfishness. Nobody should be 'running the fuck' 100% of the time. How about taking turns? How about mutual feedback in real time? True, being with an authentically orgasmic woman is a wonderful thing. But isn't shared pleasure the whole point?

I'm guessing that your idea here is that it can be harder for some women to get off than it is for most men, and if a woman breaks her concentration to 'worry' about her partner she might spoil her own pleasure. But encouraging complete self-centeredness is not the answer either. Men's orgasms don't take care of themselves if a partner is completely selfish. To illustrate, years ago I was with a woman who was really in the mood one evening and who got things started. She used my body to give herself an orgasm, and then rolled over and went to sleep, leaving me hanging. This kind of treatment felt no better for me than it would feel for a woman. She did the same thing on one more occasion. That did it---after that I never had sex with that person again. Yes, women need to take care of their own orgasms. But if they're with a partner, they need to have consideration for that person, too.


Sun, 03/11/2012 - 17:29
someguy25 (not verified)

This one of my two favorite positions, the other is doggy style. She should move back and forth, not up and down. This allows her maximun stimulation while not bringing him to premature climax. When she comes she should fall forward and rub her tits all over him. If he does not come off when she does that then he is way too jaded.

Chill out Patrick. I'm all for equal orgasms.

Betty Dodson's picture
Sun, 03/11/2012 - 17:34
Betty Dodson

Seems you're still smarting from that old flame who used you to get her
own orgasm and then left you high and dry. After 40 some years of
working with women, I can tell you we are more than ready to sacrifice
our pleasure to please a partner. Many have gone through life
without ever having an orgasm during partnersex. I know, I know. It's
difficult to imagine but so painfully true. Most men have the opposite
problem of coming too fast. But Mother Nature saw to it that all those
hard cocks holding a load of potential off spring would for sure shoot
their load.

I think switching to a submissive state

Sun, 03/11/2012 - 19:34
Jake E

will be the best way for a penis owner to enjoy cowgirl. L just do whatever feels good for you. Taking turns at being 100% indulgent is lovely and  if he comes before you the ride is possibly over for a while anyway :) If you cowgirl your orgasm he can then penetrate to achieve his. 

Equal orgasms . . .

Mon, 03/12/2012 - 01:24

Dr Betty,

You're right, I didn't care for being treated that way, and I don't know of anyone who'd like it. It was many years ago and I don't think about those incidents often, just when something reminds me of them. No one wants to be on the receiving end of someone else's selfishness. Fortunately, most people want to please a partner they care about. I know you're for equal orgasms---after all, you wrote 'Sex for Two'. Your choice of words grabbed my attention, though---perhaps something like the way your attention might be grabbed when a man writes to you about "giving" his partner an orgasm.

Sharing is so much more worthwhile than unnecessary self-sacrifice, if only everyone knew it. The lack of partnersex orgasms you mention speaks volumes about the need for sex-positive, accurate sex education. Like many of us on D&R, I would put encouraging enjoyable sexual self-discovery high on the list of what needs to be taught in sex ed. We can't share very well when we understand neither our own responses nor our partner's.

Getting the male and female responses more in sync seems especially beneficial when both partners enjoy intercourse and want it to last longer. Other than that, I'm not sure what 'too fast' means. Many men aren't limited to just one erection and orgasm in an evening of lovemaking, despite some misinformation I've read elsewhere. A relatively quick first male orgasm might just mean another round during which it will take the man longer to come and possibly match him better to his partner's responses.

Un-equal Orgasms

Mon, 03/12/2012 - 13:24

Betty is right--MANY women put their own orgasms on the back seat to their man's.  Most women cannot have orgasms through penetration alone, and yet our sex education in schools and the media teaches us that we "should" be able to.  So we fake it if we are in a relationship with a man who expects it.  If we don't fake it, we are called frigid.
I am 41, and only started having real orgasms last year. (because I started masturbating)  I had partners before marriage, and lots of sex within marriage.  The man's orgasm always defined the sex.  When he was done, it was done.  I enjoyed it sometimes, made lots of noises so he would think I was sexy and passionate.  My husband made me feel like it was my fault I wasn't orgasmic, and that I was robbing him of the satisfaction that would come if HE could get me off.  He thought that I should be able to come vaginally, still thinks that his girlfriends before me came that way. (I bet they didn't)
Men and women in our society have been brainwashed, and men have no idea what women have gone through.

kbmead nicely said!

Mon, 03/12/2012 - 14:11
Jake E

I don't think Betty is advocating leaving someone high and dry, just the concept that a woman can be in charge, and that can be hot.

Taking it in turns to 100% self indulge each other so your totally serving your partner and then they're totally serving you is a great way to find out about each other and naturally  evolve some kind of syncrinicity and variety.  Serving someone else is a balancing act. When it comes to arousal, mutual passion is way hotter than anything else and that's mutual selfishness. If your serving someone else your holding off your fullfillment which in turn should keep you teased and wanting  more. If it makes you lose enthusiam the balance is broken. Unless you get very good at acting, then it doesn't really matter :) So What I'm saying is we should experience what women have gone through all this time. Well in part. We have the knowledge that in the next session they will serve our needs. All those women in the past got was pregnant :)

Pat I can picture you being stopped on the highway by a cop and saying "I'm not quite sure what "too fast" mens :) while making quotation marks in the air :) There are actuallty some women who are faster than me and can orgasm before an egg is boiled :) as you can see on an video. But most seem to be much slower.

More Un-equal orgasms

Mon, 03/12/2012 - 19:21

Patrick...Dr. Betty is right.  Think about how many threads we have about men's fear that women have better orgasms or have orgasms with vibrators rather than penises.  How many threads  are there about WOMEN trying to learn how to have an orgasm in partner sex. 
My mind is so full of distracting thoughts when I'm with a man and I still feel compelled to fake an orgasm so he'll feel good about himself.  I'm starting to feel more relaxed, now that I know I can have an orgasm by myself, I know he can too and that I don't own his orgasm. 
So Betty is right.  My next step is I need to shift my focus off of him and onto me.  I've had so much boring, faked sex in my lifetime that I'm just thrilled that I can have orgasms.  But so far not with men...not yet anyway.
I enjoy the intimacy and the touching and being close with a man.  But I prefer my wand when it comes to the Big O.  I suspect it's not just the vibrator...I am coming to believe it's also a result of 1) I like being in charge and in control of what's happening  and 2) my mind is so relaxed when I'm alone.  I'm not worried about his ego, my body, my breath etc. etc. etc.  and 3) I've learned it just takes me longer to come.  When I'm with a man that embarasses me so I still fake an my mind I'm literally hearing "I'm taking too long, I'm taking too long..." etc. This is all male/people pleasing behavior.
A big reason I love Dr. Betty is she says it like it is.  Now I know I'm not the only one.  This is a common way the female mind works. 

@ L : I also have trouble

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:23
Sarah J

@ L : I also have trouble gaining speed and tire quickly, despite having strong legs.  I prefer to rock back and forth, occasionally moving up and down very slowly when I'm pretty sure he's going to like the change of pace or is closer to orgasm and would like some additional/different stimulation.  Of course everybody's preferences are different, but I have had no complaints from this and it allows me to keep some stamina up as well as rub my clit a bit (much more easily than if I were to go up and down), both against him and with my hand.

@kbmead: love your post!!
Nothing annoys me more than the phrase "but my ex-girlfriend used to get off like that".  Porn is a sad substitute for sex-ed it seems...  Though we definitely never talked about orgasm in health class - I am even pretty confident that the word was never used.  We had a decent health class (in Canada), but it only covered the "mechanics", if you will (birth control, pregnancies and std's).  And of course, the boys learned about steroids and drug use instead.  I remember at 13 a male classmate stole my health notes and started loudly asking "What's a clitoris?  What's a clitoris?"  My French teacher told him it was the female penis!  Now *that* was the best piece of health class I ever had!!

Kbmead, Jake, Calistogababe, thanks . . .

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 13:20

Thank you all for such thoughtful comments. I didn't think that my post would be particularly noticed.

I don't disagree with Betty at all in her main points. I know that women face immense cultural pressures to 'take care' of people and not assert themselves sexually. Partnersex can be great for both parties if they are honest about what they want and need to get off. The man's orgasm shouldn't define anything, really, except his first orgasm. What I reacted to emotionally was Betty's choice of words: 'Never worry about your man getting off.' I had a partner once who could be seriously selfish in bed, and sometimes got herself off without caring about me. That went beyond assertively taking care of her own needs (I think we'd all agree assertion is a good thing), and to me just meant that she was not a believer in mutual satisfaction. I think most of us would agree that's a BAD thing. On further reflection, I realized that Betty didn't mean that women literally shouldn't care about their partner's getting off, just that they should pursue their own satisfaction without the distraction of shifting the focus away from themselves and onto their partner. Their partner's turn will come later.

Faking to me is created by the cultural pressures you mention. Women are trained to put themselves second. Men are trained to think they have to be fantastic lovers, or they've failed as men. The result has been a lot of unhappiness and missed opportunities for real closeness and mutual satisfaction. And a lot of simmering resentment! The people-pleasing behavior that leads to faking is understandable given our culture. And yet it's a self-perpetuating trap. It creates the illusion of being a good lover for the man, but it also guarantees there won't be any improvement in the situation for the woman. If a man honestly (but inaccurately) believes that his partner is satisfied, what reason would he have to take further care about his partner's needs? The only solution is for both parties to decide that true intimacy is worth the risk and discomfort of being honest. Women's asserting their real needs, as I think Dr Betty is advocating, is vital if this is going to happen, and I agree with her 100%.

The culturally imposed roles we all suffer from aren't our fault, but they do need to be challenged. My wife is orgasmic, but she isn't orgasmic through intercourse. So we've de-emphasized intercourse and she gets her orgasms through other forms of stimulation. Since she always felt able to be honest about her responses, I knew that penetrative sex by itself didn't do it for her, so I never got the notion that things were over when intercourse was over. Sex is over when we're both well-satisfied and pleasantly content.

Jake, I do wonder what 'too fast' is, given the conflicting information we get from authorities on sexuality. We've been told for decades that 'premature ejaculation' is a dreadful problem. But we're also told again and again that many women aren't orgasmic during intercourse! If this is so, what difference does it make how long a man maintains an erection or how fast he comes? I have yet to see an explanation for this paradox that makes any sense. I'm being somewhat facetious here, but I do think the official line on these issues is contradictory. I realize that many couples enjoy the closeness that intercourse can offer, and some women are orgasmic during it, particulartly with direct clitoral stimulation. I'm not devaluing intercourse per se, just objecting to the relentless pressure men often feel to 'perform' even when 'performing' might be a matter of indifference to their partner. So in sum, I definitely agree with Betty and with all of you about the cultural brainwashing we've all had, and about the need to go beyond it into something a lot more satisfying and real for both partners.

kdmead yes this is why

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 14:28
Jake E

I like the idea of the 1st approach to sex taking turns with 100% giving, starting with pleasing the person who takes the longest to come. and then developing from there. If your partner doesn't come vaginally then her session may not even involve your penis at all, but toys and she might be the only person  touching her genitals, You might be stimulating other parts of her body with your tongue or teeth or what ever she wants. If she does cum vaginally then a stroke that's too fast is what ever she says is too fast, That's why cowgirl is so good because she's in control of that. but if intercourse is her preference the erection has to be maintained and for me that's much easier with a sub fantasy. 

When it's the penis owners turn to come, intercourse with someone who doesn't come vaginally is whatever feels good for her, because if she's not aroused the intercourse isn't going to work or it'll be unpleasant for her. If she says the stroke is too fast at the start for her then that is what's too fast.  

In all this, as a man I can come with a powerful orgasm in 5 mins on my own. Most women can't do that so I think that's what Betty meant by don't worry about your man getting off. If your with someone you really like, you both have a great connection and think each other is gorgeous, wether your taking or giving I think it's all pleasure.

Patrick has a point... he was

Tue, 03/13/2012 - 16:34
Heather J (not verified)

Patrick has a point... he was "used" twice, didn't like it so decided not to have sex with her again. Women need to take a page out of Patrick's book. Ladies, if you don't like the sex you're having, change it or stop having it. Sex is not going to be changed by the men because our society gears it toward them.