Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Betty, please help me!

I'm a 40-year-old woman, frustrated w/my orgasms. I'm able to reach orgasm multiple times (either with a male partner in bed or on my own), but I've gotten used to the digital stimulation that I do. When in bed w/a partner, I do get very aroused but can't come unless I touch myself. If I feel comfortable doing that (which hinges on my partner's reaction), then I can come in as quickly as 60 seconds though it often takes longer. I move my hand once I've started coming and let my partner go from there. However, a pattern has developed where eventually my partner expresses regret/dissatisfaction because he wants "to be the one who makes (me) come."

I don't have much experience with sex toys. I recently started using the Vibramax vibrator featured on this website. I was able to reach orgasm with it; however, I don't want to share that w/a partner. First, I have to push the head very hard against my clit to come and I don't think he'd want to do that. Second, it was like a "mini-O" compared to how great it feels when I use my own digital stimulation. Like, I came and it was gone in 15 seconds.

Still, I'll try anything. What do you suggest?

Dear J,

I suggest you do what works best for YOU! Your BF can't always have his way. Any guy who puts a lot of meaning into"giving his woman an orgasm" needs to understand that we are each responsible for our own orgasms. You are the author of your orgasm just like he knows how to get his. Too many men measure their sexual self-esteem by "making a woman come." That puts pressure on her to perform to satisfy his ego. You are a grown woman who's been perfectly
capable of creating your own orgasm.

Stimulating your own clitoris during intercourse is what I recommend and teach. Why do we have struggle with a partners well meaning but inadequate touch? He is getting what he wants by controlling penetration, the speed, angle and depth. You have a right to do the same with your clitoris. And I would never suggest a woman come in under a minute! Making the build-up last longer gives us a bigger response. What's the hurry? Just because he can come fast doesn't mean you should imitate him. It's the other way around. He needs to slow down.

Also smashing your sensitive clit under a vibrator is not a good idea, although it's quite
common. Instead of bearing down get more creative and move the vibe around along with varying your pelvic movements while you breathe out loud. Right now, you are too concerned with pleasing your partner. A sexually secure man prefers a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Otherwise you're having sex with an insecure Mama's boy who is spoiled. You might want to try the Mystic Wand. It has 5 different speeds from soft to strong. Always start on low and build-up gradually and don't forget to use additional lubrication. It makes everything go smoother.

Dr. Betty