Just Can't Get Through The Barrier to Orgasm

Mon, 01/16/2012 - 14:03
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Betty,

I've never orgasmed through sex or through masturbation. I've not been very sexually active over the years, but this year I bought a vibrator and tried to use it to get to orgasm. However, I find that whenever I'm close it just gets too intense and I can't past this stage. I physically can't move past this.

I've just started a new relationship as well and during sex get very aroused and have also been quite close to orgasm, but come against the same barrier that I just can't continue. If you have any advice on how to push through this barrier or get over this it would change my life. I seem to have a high sex drive, but just can't reach the end!
Ever hopeful!

H from the UK

Dear H,

Go to "How to Orgasm" and read it more than once. Top of the left hand column on the front page. THEN follow my simple steps. Ask yourself what do you think an orgasm will feel like? They come in many different varieties. Women are never finished so there is no end as long as they continue clitoral stimulation. Usually when stimulation gets too intense, it means your body just had an orgasm.

But if your are expecting to scream and become overwhelmed, you will miss what is actually happening. Really check out your expectations. When the sensation gets too intense, move the vibrator above your clit but keep rocking your pelvis and breathe, breathe, breathe OUT LOUD. Chances are good that the hyper sensitivity will subside and you can go back near or on your clitoris to continue and have more than one orgasm.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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I understand!

Sat, 01/21/2012 - 22:52
E Celebration (not verified)


I just wanted to let you know, H from the UK, that I have been experiencing the exact same thing! You could have taken the words directly from my mouth. It's been so frustrating, because I've tried so many things... vibrators, clit creams, and I get so close... and then I back away because it feels too/so intense, almost ticklish and uncomfortable (so I know it's not an orgasm... but stimulating above the clit or elsewhere seems like a good idea, too... and remembering to breathe!)... It's easy to get caught in the victim mentality. But... I just looked at the How to Orgasm page... and I think we both have some homework to do tonight, don't you? ;) You are so not alone!

Betty... thank you. I'm guessing you would give me the same advice you just gave her. :) I have been putting so much pressure on myself (literally, that's probably where the discomfort comes in!) to have an orgasm, and your advice to do it more lightly and then build helps. I also think that I've build up these expectations of what it'll be like, and actually made myself kind of afraid to have one, maybe not sure what to expect... because of the disappointment I've experienced in the past. But. BUT! We don't have to live like this. We deserve to celebrate our bodies, and we deserve to love ourselves and our clitorises.
Betty, I do have a question. I know you mentioned fantasties in your other post, saying that we should start with thinking about hot, positive sexual experiences we've had in the past. I just wanted to say that my brain doesn't really create storylines... Would that, perhaps, be helpful for me to have an orgasm? Because, just like the woman above me suggested, I get so close, and I'm having such a lovely time discovering my body and feeling intense pleasure with myself, knowing I deserve it and can do it myself and share with someone I love (unless I am feeling that frustration!), and I'd love as many tips as I can receive to let go and just truly enjoy myself, my body, and explore so many orgasms.
I'll keep you updated!

Here is what I have learned

Sun, 01/22/2012 - 13:43

Here is what I have learned that might be helpful:

  1. I can't multitask, i.e., can't watch porn or fantasize while masturbating. I have to focus totally on the sensations. I do get the juices flowing by daydreaming about sex, or watching a little porn, or reading something erotic. Masturbating goes so much better if I start out mentally aroused.
  2. I don't think I can get off just with clit stimulation. I need a dildo (or a dick) in my vagina as well.
  3. Anal stimulation is very helpful. Try a vibrating buttplug and see if that helps. Vrrrmmm.
  4. Once I learned to get myself off, I practiced, practiced, practiced. I made it my goal to be able to get off pretty reliably in less than 10 minutes. Why? Because I enjoy my orgasm, but don't always have an hour to spend to get there. So like anything else, the more I did it, the more I knew how my body would respond. Now I almost always have a wonderful orgasm when I masturbate. And if I don't, I usually quit within 15 minutes or so, because I know if it hasn't happened by then, it's probably not going to.
  5. If I feel the urge to pee, I can't orgasm. So I try to remember to not drink anything with caffeine or alcohol right before, and always empty my bladder before a good wank.

Good luck, I hope some of my suggestions are helpful to you!

First Time Orgasm Instructions Work

Sun, 01/22/2012 - 14:15

E Celebration... you're right... do your homework.  I'm still very new to this (like 3 weeks or so) and in learning mode.  My new found orgasms keep me coming back! yes..this works.
RE: almost ticklish
That is the sensation I get before I have an orgasm.  I've come to call it Mr. Tickle because when I experience that I focus the vibrator and my attention to that sensation,  encouraging that tickle to grow. It transitions from "almost ticklish" to an intense wave sensation.  Sometimes that transitions to an orgasm and sometimes it just drifts away.  So as Betty says, if it drifts away, I just go back to catch another wave which for me starts with catch another Mr. Tickle
RE: time and intent
It's really important for me to masturbate when I have lots of time and I focus on how good it feels right now not what I want it to feel like in 5 minutes from now. 
RE: fantacy
I tried that and so far it doesn't work for me.  What's really effective for me is to focus on my body, the sensations and the pleasure of masturbation. It's like I'm giving myself a mindfull vulva massage.  When I find my mind wanders (like I'm suddently doing the grocery list or discover I'm holding my breath and I start criticising myself) I just acknowledge my organizing or criticising thoughts and return my focus to my clit, my fingers, the sensations, the rocking and the breathing.  Ahh... it's just heavenly.
RE: pc/kegel squeezes
The pc/kegel squeezes are really starting to pay off and the combination of rocking, squeezing, breathing is becoming more automatic and natural.  At first it wasn't and I really had to concentrate on each of these. My Betty Barbell just arrived yesterday.  Prior to this I have used a zuccini (organic) from her video.  Having the weight & object in my
vagina to squeeze makes the kegel more effective.  Also, my orgasms are really long ones with after shocks and a couple times I've had full body orgasms and sometimes I don't have an orgasm.  But masturbating feels so good, I look forward to doing it again.

What is helping me in addition to the written instructions is reading what others have written here and  watching the videos on this website.  
I remain so grateful to the generosity of Betty and Carlin to share all this instruction with us.  I need very specific instruction, nothing vague and then I need pictures and videos to reinforce and expand on my application of the written instruction.
And  I have to be willing... I have to be teachable. 
Enjoy your homework and please keep us posted.
Happy Orgasms!

I have also discovered that I

Sun, 01/22/2012 - 16:02
E Celebration (not verified)

I have also discovered that I like having things inside me too, or rather, not just around my clit. My body needs, loves, and craves variation. Those are the times it begins to feel numb, when I'm around my clit for too long (as she mentioned), so the advice to wait and go back in around the top and bottom seems really helpful. I actually did some homework last night, and I felt amazing. I didn't come, but I'm learning more and more about my body. I felt like I had a major breakthrough last night, when I read the post from the woman who had been complaining, wondering what was wrong with her and why it hadn't happened to her yet, to changing her thinking to, what can I do to improve my orgasms? And it occurred to me that I really can experientally feel that... the shift from victimization or frustration to what can I do to feel my best? And learn more about my body... I felt so free last night... It's just the beginning of a whole new space.

Collette, thank you for your input and suggestions. :)
Calistogababe... wow... what a perspective on the ticklish sensation. I had SO grown to be weary of it, but naming it really offsets the anxiety for me. I'll try that tonight. :) Catching the waves... I like it... I'll go surfing. ;)
"And  I have to be willing... I have to be teachable. 

Enjoy your homework and please keep us posted.

Happy Orgasms!"
I do have to be willing to be teachable... and I have to be willing. I will definitely keep you all posted! Thank you for the happy orgasms comment! :) :)
Masturbating already feels really amazing to me and I love it, and I am just ready to have an orgasm, many, many orgasms...

Doing our Homework

Tue, 01/24/2012 - 09:57

Betty and Carlin..thank you for making this exchange possible!
H from the UK...thank you for starting this thread
Collette...I loved reading your post
E Celebration...I'm looking forward to hearing your updates. 
I came here to learn how to have orgasms and I'm receiving so much more..like a growing sense of sisterhood and a deeper connection.  Amazing...

Frustration, but not victimhood.

Sat, 01/28/2012 - 11:11
E Celebration (not verified)

Well, I have to say that, in this moment, I'm experiencing some frustration and some weakness. It's so easy to get down on yourself, but I am just going to recognize it and try to feel empowered instead of like a victim (which I'm not!). I bought a new vibrator, and I guess I had expectations... I feel almost like, in this moment, I want to give up. And I will not do this! I haven't even really felt much of Mr. Tickle in the last week... But I can and I will...

It sounds like I need to go back and read First Time Orgasm over again and again...
Reminding myself again that it doesn't have to be 'what's wrong with me?' and that I can swiftly choose to think, 'How can I improve my sexuality, and my relationship with myself?'

Remembering, again, that I have to be teachable... I have to have variety... I have to release expectations, and just let myself feel good! Thank you all for your support and help... It feels good to have other sisters who understand and are on the other side, like I will soon be.

I also have a very high sex drive, so this drives me crazy... but I can do it. I have faith in myself. And it's going to be glorious........ :) I have a very strong intuitive understanding that the reason I haven't gotten very far with this vibrator is that I just go in without even really loving myself. You know what I mean? Without really being intimate or romantic with myself. I have an understanding that I have to do this first, and then this ride will be better. :) I still want to go surfing!

Thank you for reading this; I had to get out my frustrations... any suggestions, anyone?
E Celebration

Mastering any artform takes dedication and commitment.

Betty Dodson's picture
Sat, 01/28/2012 - 14:25
Betty Dodson

Nothing that's really creative and worthwhile "just comes naturally'" like so many folks think. Yes, we can seem to have a talent for something but it's the training and acquiring skills that make the big difference. Our orgasms would be more natural and a lot easier to experience if our childhood masturbation was not shamed, forbidden or condemend. Since so many young women today start masturbating later on in life, they simply must be patient and keep practicing. Yes, by all means, go back over my information and read it many more times. It's repetition that helps us to learn.

Multi-media Homework

Sun, 01/29/2012 - 14:34

Hi E Celebration!   I feel like we are kindred spirits here.  We are in the best hands possible getting direction from Betty Dodson! 
Since I am very new to this too,  I suggest you might consider watching the videos on this website along with rereading Betty's instructions.  I have found Betty's coaching videos to be really helpful. They demonstrate how flexible she is in applying the instructions to different women.
I bought my first vibrator before Christmas and found this website in my effort to learn how to use it!   I think I thought a vibrator was like the Orgasmatron in the movie Sleeper.  You just turn it on, lie there and have an orgasm.  But in one of Betty's coaching sessions she told the woman to start with her fingers, to check the clock and to massage her clit for 5 minutes, doing the breathing, kegels and stretching etc.  At some point during the 5 minutes you insert your barbell, dildo or zuccini.  That one instruction helped me so much. 
Since then I've watched all her coaching sessions on this website and have always received a tip or something new to try OR I've become aware of something I was doing incorrectly (like at first I was lifting my whole butt off the ground instead of doing a pelvic tilt on the inbreath).  I remember thinking I'm too old at 67 to keep this up for an hour or two!  ;-)
I just finished watching the Body Sex Worship online today and it is a great demonstration of Betty's instructions applied by a group of women. I watched one section per day.  The first section is vulva show and tell.  Perhaps you could start with that?  Do it with the workshop.
I'm sending you a big, tight Hug and all the encouragement you need to find your way.  This is so worth it.  I thought this was about learning to have an orgasm.  It's that and so much more.  Come on sister E


Fri, 12/09/2016 - 16:17
Anonymous2727 (not verified)

ive been able to climax from my ex husband for 18 years but only from oral and having to be in the same postion and he has to do the same thing everytime else it wouldnt happen.im currently with my new partner and i love him,and fancy him and our sex is amazing but its been a year and he cant make me climax,no matter how much he tries,either i go to sensitive or it just wont peak.we are working on this together but i dont know what else to do.he is good at what he does and trys really hard and it enjoyable, i also cant make myself come through a vibrator unless its on my clit but its not a full on orgasm.help needed

not being able to climax

Tue, 12/05/2017 - 08:54
daria (not verified)

hey girls
I have the same problem..I'm 24 and sexually active (a long and steady relationship where I feel comfortable and aroused in bed), but I smply can't have an orgasm, not during sex nor while masturbating. I mostly use my fingers, or the showerhead, I also have a rubber dildo..but nothing helps. I hoticed that I ge close (or so I think) and then I just can't go any further, my vulva becomes sooo sensitive (the tickling feeling) and my vagina kind of closes - pushes the dildo out, or my fingers - and it gets so tight that it becomes almost impossible to put a finger in it! If I use a showerhead and then that almost-there-feeling comes I simply HAVE to stop. It's pretty frustrating, I am a sexual person, I enjoy sex and masturbation..but I really need that big O.