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Can't Get it Out of My Head that Giving a Blow Job is Degrading

Mon, 12/05/2011 - 15:58
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dr. Betty,

I am a 20 year old female and my partner is a 20 year old male. Neither of us have done anything beyond manual sex with each other or previous partners. We have been having manual sex (although I have not been able to orgasm when he tries to stimulate me which has been making me feel bad because I haven't really experienced a full blown orgasm on my own either so I feel fully responsible, but we're working on that), but he brought up the subject of oral sex and I just can't seem to bring myself to be comfortable with giving it.

I wouldn't mind if he went down on me orally, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head that giving a blowjob is degrading. I want to pleasure him, but I don't know if something about me not getting to orgasm through manual sex makes me less interested in intensifying our physical relationship before that happens. I know that sounds very unfair, but it may be the way I think about it. What can I do to become comfortable with the idea of giving him oral?

Thank you so much!
-P

Dear P,

Are you also practicing masturbation? That's the BEST way to develop your orgasm. Sex with any partner is always very complicated. Especially for women because we are always way too concerned about pleasing our partner or worrying about what they are thinking/feeling or how we appear to them. All of this processing keeps us in our heads so we are not able to focus on the sexual sensations in our bodies. Once we are alone, we can focus on the pleasure at hand.

Don't leave your orgasm up to your young man who has had no sex education and no experience with other women. At least he knows what his penis likes best because I'll bet he's likely a masturbatory expert! Most young men have been practicing orgasm since puberty or even before unless raised in a restrictive household. Compare that with your being totally unaware of what you like. So begin your study of all things clitoris and vulva. It's a wonderful trip.

Even after you show him, he cannot feel what you are feeling when he's touching you, so you'll need to continue giving him feedback (after you've had sex). As for giving him a blow job, just tell him what you told me. That you wouldn't mind if he went down on you. After you realize how good it feels, you just might change you mind about it being degrading. Once he does oral sex for you, then returning the favor will not be degrading. Instead it will be natural and fun.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Oral sex should be mandatory

Mon, 12/05/2011 - 17:18
Liandra Dahl

I love oral sex and would struggle to be with a partner who didn;t want it or would not perform it...because I get off almost as much giving it as I do getting it. I can't help but think it's that particular mainstream porn with misogynist tendencies that has degraded the blow job and done nothing for cunnilingus either. I think it has permeated sexual communication and language about blow jobs with terms like "skull fucking" flying around as if putting your penis between someone's teeth is an act of aggression not vulnerability. Super advice for her to receive oral sex first and then reciprocrate in kind already knowing how great it feels. 

I agree.  There's nothing

Mon, 12/05/2011 - 17:34
Carlin Ross

I agree.  There's nothing that gets my pussy wetter than sucking cock.  Bringing someone pleasure is never degrading.

I enjoyed reading Violet

Tue, 12/06/2011 - 00:07
Collette

I enjoyed reading Violet Blue's book on fellatio, not just for the "how to's" but because she talks alot about what the experience of oral sex is for the giver and the receiver. She talks about how common it is to feel awkward, unsure, vulnerable, etc. She discusses the exchange of power that can take place. She also talks about how incredibly erotic it is to give head. At the ripe old age of 20, you aren't old or experienced enough to know what you like or don't like. Don't do oral or anything else because you think you are supposed to do it or like it. Let yourself grow and evolve sexually. I'm with Carlin, there is nothing that gets me going like going down on my man. I didn't always feel that way. It took being in a loving relationship with open communication to get to that point.

Hard work

Wed, 12/21/2011 - 15:18
danielwidders

As a guy,  I never could figure out what the fuss about fellatio was until I tried several suggestions after reading Violet Blue's book.
1.  Swallow my own come,  Yeah I know,  gross,  but at least you know what your wife/gf/bf would have to consider (or not).  Not even as bad as Fear Factor,  but still kind of bleachy.
2.  Try it myself.  Get a dildo and try inserting it and sucking on it without getting any teethmarks on it.
Call it my empathy test.  Now,  I know for sure,  why human beings tend to find reasons not to do it now and then.  IT IS HARD. WORK.  It has to be the hardest possible sex act I can think of.  
So asking for it is ok.  But it is a bit like asking for a five couse meal for guests on short notice. Not wrong to ask for,  but not necessarily something most human beings just jump at. Definitely needs motivation.
So now we know the answer to all those fake questionnaires about oral sex.  If they are designed by guys who don't know, well, I now know the answer.

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