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Former Abuse Keeps Me from Good Sex

Mon, 10/03/2011 - 16:31
Submitted by Betty Dodson

I, like many other women am sure, have been sexually abused. I was very promiscuous for quite some time, and still like random fucking every now and again. My problem is is that I find myself in situations with men that I am not really interested in and end up getting involved, sexually, because of either manipulation, my vulnerability, and/or lack of major boundary skills.
For the most part, these relationships are extremely one sided.. I rarely get off and then feel pretty shitty afterwards for allowing myself to be in that situation. I would love some advice (perhaps a video?) on dealing with this type of stuff. I understand that just speaking up etc is what I need to do, but what if that, in itself, is extremely hard while still being very sexual? Help!!

P.S. I tend to also get involved with men who are either in poly relationships (which I'm fine with, as long as there is communication) or married men with no communication (with their partner) and I'm just the slice o' pie on the side... I long for someone who wants to be with me as much as I them....

Dear B,

Our entire society is sexually abusive towards women! When it comes to creating boundaries, you might consider seeing a good counselor, someone you like or a friend recommends. This is not an overnight fix. I do believe many of us have gone through similar phases where we end up having sex with some dork because at the time it seemed the easiest thing to do. In those cases, I suggest you forgive yourself instantly.

If you have your birth control in place and choose men who are disease free, why don't you see this as a learning phase about sex? How about keeping a fuck diary and write down each experience. What part was good. bad or indifferent. I clearly remember going through a similar phase in my twenties where I felt I was turning into a "slut" because I was having too much sex with too many guys. So I sat down and tried to remember each sex date, what happened, and how I felt afterward. In a strange way, that grounded me. I also practiced saying "no thanks" consciously. My problem was having too much to drink when my will power was low and my hormones were high. I finally decided even a bad fuck was interesting if I paid attention and learned from it. Finding your Prince Charming will only bring on new problems. So maybe it's a good idea for you to spend more time making love to yourself while you sort out your sexual boundaries and get a better picture of how you want to live your life.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Sexual abuse

Fri, 10/07/2011 - 15:14
Malinche

Hi,
I am not an health nor sex expert, nor anything of the sort.  But I was raped as a child, which made me do similar actions as you did, ending up feeling unsatisfied and then after years of crying and screwing up relationships, drinking too much, among other things.  I started practicing yoga and even then, it took me three years to understand what was going on inside my head, I too had that "slut" stigma, worse, yet, I was open about it and closed in my own sexuality, I did not know my own body, through yoga I started unraveling my past.
 
So, you have to analize why you do the things you do.  Where you abused as a child? As a teenager? As an adult? The abuser does not matter, what matters is where your parents? And if the abuse was by someone close the family and did it happen more than once?  Did your family find out about? If so, did they do anything about it? Which in turn may or may not give you the validiation you need by someone believing you or not, believe me, it is a big deal. In my case, I was 6 yrs old and my parents, didn't really take care of me, so I realized that with random men, telling me: "you're beautiful," I noticed I was soo needy for love and security, so I ended up choosing the wrong men for the wrong reasons and ended up with "blue balls" or as I like to call them: "Lady Blue Balls." Also, ending up heart-broken or throwing tantroms for not getting "what I deserved," just as a child does.
Pertaining to sexuality, parents and society have a lot of influence over one's sexuality, I know in my case, my mother was a "slut," but in it for the wrong reasons, her narcissism led her to believe she was beloved and gorgeous, so that taught me my first erroneous lessons on love, that I had to succumb to a man's physical needs to satisfy my own emotional needs that were not met by my parents; and since my emotional needs were not being met by that random man, I felt "taken advantage of."
I know this may sound like psycho-bable, I don't know what your story is, but, don't fucus soo much on sex and relationships, if you want sex for the sheer pleasure of getting off for YOUR own pleasure, then by all means, but if it is to meet your emotional needs, you will be seeting yourself up for failure each time, thinking each "new man" is a "new possiblity" and you will keep repeating the pattern over and over again, focus on yourself, I am not telling you to stop having sex or masturbating, in fact I don't like to tell people how or what to do, but I always like to tell my friends when they come up to me, is to "analize their own behavior," why they feel the way they feel and to face their insecurities. 
 
Don't get me wrong, I love sex, and I would prefer to enjoy it far more myself, in fact that is my goal, however, it's not always an easy goal to achive without practice, unless you attain the right skills and self-knowledge to do so, which in turn gives you the ability to deal with things better and in time you will learn when to say "yes" and when to say "no," but only because it is YOUR CHOICE and in your best interest to do so.  I hope this is helpful.
 
Malinche

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