I Think My Boyfriend is Bi-Sexual

Tue, 09/27/2011 - 09:56
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Hi Dr. Betty,

I wrote to you yesterday regarding my fear of my boyfriend's sexual behavior. I mentioned that we have anal pretty often, sex pretty often. I believe you concluded that based on his behavior he could be bi. I grew up in a household that didn't talk much about sex, this is my first time living with a man and I have no idea whats normal. He's into "double penetration" porn and fantasizes about having another man join us. We are going on our 2nd year living together, but this has come up since last year.

I'm terrified of taking this step. My father was unfaithful throughout his 20 yr marriage to my mother and I feel that If I don't give in, my boyfriend will become impatient and get it somewhere else. This is really taking a toll on me. I feel extremely depressed and just want a sincere answer from him. I don't have a problem with porn, but I feel like without it he can't perform. Every time I mention this to him, he says I'm over reacting and of course we can have sex without the porn. Yet, when it comes down to playing together I end up feeling really guilty. I've told him that this is causing me a lot of insecurity, but I can't seem to get through to him.
Please Help,

Thank You,
J

Dear J,

I have already given you my advice. Time for you to seek a professional counselor and discuss this with her. As far as I'm concerned, you sound like a woman who is willing to sacrifice her peace of mind to keep a man who makes her feel insecure and depressed. Is he really worth all this emotional suffering that makes you determined to please him at all costs? I hope you can get through to yourself. His requests are not average nor are they unreasonable. But what he wants sexually does NOT appeal to you. Where is the compromise?

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Counseling options for couples

Tue, 09/27/2011 - 16:36

Hello J,
Besides Dr Betty's excellent advice, have you also considered seeing a qualified couples counselor with your boyfriend---one who is also a qualified sex therapist? Since you want a sincere answer from your boyfriend, this might be a good venue for both of you to express fears and desires that are hard to do when you're alone with each other. With all the cards on the table, you and your boyfriend can make a real decision about how much you both value the relationship, and what direction you'd like it to go. Being deeply unhappy isn't good for either of you.

"My father was unfaithful

Wed, 09/28/2011 - 08:15
Blusher (not verified)

"My father was unfaithful throughout his 20 yr marriage to my mother and I feel that If I don't give in, my boyfriend will become impatient and get it somewhere else. "

]first off, I'm sorry about the emotional distress you are experiencing in your relationship and i'm glad you've found an outlet to express your concerns. it sounds to me as though ]your fear is undermining your ability to advocate for yourself and draw your own boundaries.  it gives your boyfriend the upper hand in the relationship and keeps you emotionally dependent on pleasing him. its important that you find the inner resolve to advocate for yourself. it is up to you to say NO, clearly and directly, if you feel pressured into sexual acts you are uncertain about. You are responsible for setting this standard and until you can trust yourself to advocate for yourself you will be overwhelmed by the demands of other people, sexual or otherwise. the kind of loving secure relationship you seek is built on that foundation and it starts with you. 

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