Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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I think men do not understand that many women do not care about sex. "Thanks" to the media, men are sexually over-stimulated 24/7 by ever-present images of porn stars and models PAID to appear naked and horny. I believe this is where men get the idea that women love sex as much as men do, and do not understand that majority of the female population have sex just to please their men and keep the relationship going.

To me, sex is just a toll I have to pay for a relationship with a man. You may ask why do I want to be in a relationship with a man? Because I need human closeness and affection. The fact that I have been with men who cheated on me, urged me to sleep with them, threatened only after a couple of dates to find a sexual partner to supplement my sexual inaction makes everything even harder.

But the most important thing that makes me hate sex is the fact that I do not find it pleasurable, I don't feel good while having sex, I almost start crying during intercourse. I've been to the doctor and told him my problem and he told me that physically there is no problem with me and he does not know why I feel pain during intercourse. I think it may be because of the fact that my boyfriend's penis is too big? I do not know why, but if that is the problem I have nothing to do about it because I cannot blame my boyfriend because his penis is too big. He does absolutely nothing wrong, I get enough foreplay and I do get aroused but when he starts penetrating me it just hurts too much, and the pain does not dissappear during sex. Could you please give me some advice? I would be very grateful.

Dear N,

My first though was to suggest you get a pet for companionship and stop having sex with men, especially ones with big penises. However, you would still want to consider enjoying your own orgasms with yourself. I do agree with you re:porn representing women as always horny and ready to fuck. Not at all true! You're right about the money. Getting paid to do a job always encourages anyone to perform. Notice that wives do not get paid to do housework or raise kids. Yet both are central to society.

If you're orgasmic and aroused and are using extra lubrication and he's doing slow penetration and the doctor says there is nothing wrong with you physically, then it's psychological. Or is it? Go online and research vuladynia. A strange wiring of a woman's genitals that causes pain with nothing apparently wrong. It's not well understood yet if at all. If that's the case often a doctor will recommend using a numbing cream for intercourse. Or perhaps you have a chronically tight PC muscle that you could learn to relax by squatting as women did more of in the past. For that information go to the website katy@katysays.com She has all kinds of info dealing with the mechanics of the body.

Other than that, consider what I suggested at the beginning of my answer. I'd like to know how you end up solving this problem. Happy researching.

Dr. Betty

We Suggest: 

How to Heal Your Vulvodynia

Learn to Orgasm in Four Acts (eBook)

When Sex Hurts

Betty Dodson's Bodysex Workshop