Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross

Better Orgasms. Better World.

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Hi Betty,

We semi-know each other -- I was Eric Francis' Associate Editor at Planet Waves a few years ago and we both contributed a masturbation essay for one of Eric's sex series. First of all, I just want to say thank you for your commitment to sex positivity -- I'm 26 and there are so many women my age that NEVER look at their vaginas, let alone masturbate or orgasm.

I've always been very sex positive, and love my body and sex with women and, now, men. Lately though, I'm having trouble orgasming, both alone and with my boyfriend. I think it's because there's too much going on in my head; I got a new job that's exciting but very stressful, I'm a musician and working pretty intensely on recording with my band, and moved in with my boyfriend in July.

Do you have any advice on how to get my mind to stop so I can get back to the orgasms that I miss so dearly? I really would much rather focus on my clit enough to orgasm and stay in the moment then float away thinking about work the next day. Its frustrating masturbating alone for an hour over and over again with no results, and now I'm worried my boyfriend is starting to think it's his fault when we have sex and I don't orgasm.

Thanks so much for your help,
R

Dear R,

Don't fall into the trap that your orgasm proves the boyfriend is a good lover. It's YOUR orgasm not his. You really answered your own question. . ."Too much going on in my head." Give yourself some time to adjust. On top of the new job you just moved in with him!? That's a lot to deal with besides being fairly new to having sex with a guy! Good grief girl, cut yourself some slack.

Right now your orgasm is the least of your problems. Just focus on the job at hand and eventually your orgasms will show up again. Maybe doing Yoga and meditation along with getting some relaxing massage will help quiet your mind. Remember, this too shall pass. Good luck with your new gig. That's exciting!

Dr. Betty