For every smart man who has ever asked, “What do women want?” the sexual desires of each wish list will differ from woman to woman and will depend upon her age. When I was a romance junkie in my early twenties, I went along with whatever kind of sex each boyfriend did as long as he was cute, promised to only have sex with me and said he loved me.
When I got married I was more concerned with financial security and a solid relationship than sex. After I got divorced and began logging in sexual experiences with different men, I was able to name several things I enjoyed about sex. By the time I reached forty I was a sexually sophisticated woman who looked for specific qualities to indicate whether or not a man would be a good lover.
Although society doesn’t reward sexually experienced women, I still got a lot of personal satisfaction in knowing what I want when it came to sex. It’s such a pleasure to be with a man who is self-assured— confident in his ability to get an erection and to keep his erection long enough to enjoy the dance of sexual love. If he’s not a cocksman, then he has mastered oral and manual skills. He has a sensitive touch and would never hesitate to ask how I like my clitoris touched. Never in a hurry, he uses some kind of lubrication before touching my vulva. After stimulating my clitoris, he enters my vagina with slow penetration. Or he stays just at the vaginal opening teasing me until I pull him in closer, wanting him inside me. He supports my orgasm without claiming it as his own creation and totally approves when I take control of my clitoral stimulation. When I want to use a vibrator, he never feels threatened. After we share our orgasms, he enjoys spending quality time snuggling. He likes to talk about sex, explore ways to make it better, and is willing to share his fantasies with me as I share mine.
Of course I could go on and on for pages covering a multitude of non-sexual aspects that are worth their weight in gold— like intelligence, thoughtfulness, a sense of humor, affectionate and the ability to share aspects of his inner life. As for appearance, the most handsome man can quickly turn ugly because of his selfish ways and a homely man can become beautiful because of his generous spirit. With a little maturity, I was far less dedicated to a handsome face and a muscular body than I had been in my youth.
Nowadays when it comes to discussing sex, “technique” has practically become a dirty word. Women would rather speak of love and men have to act like they already know everything. A few guys have told me that when they use the word “technique” they get accused of being “too clinical.” Women have told me that when they suggest reading a specific sex book to a boyfriend, he gets defensive. Why is discussing a few sexual skills any different then talking about how to improve your golf swing? Or your three-point shot? After all, few golfers or basketball players would never have any problem spending time practicing or taking lessons for either of these two activities. There is nothing better than sharing mutually orgasmic sex with a loved one.
Let’s begin with what I consider to be the first basic requirement for a world-class lover— a man who can easily get erect. Healthy childhood masturbation is one key to an adult male getting and keeping an erection. If a young boy gets shamed or punished for this basic sexual activity, he’ll grow up with inhibitions. Some might require sex therapy to undo the damage. Getting an erection is rarely a problem for most guys when they are young and fighting off getting a woody. But as a man ages, his arteries narrow, blood thickens, and it takes a bit more time and effort to pump blood into his penis.
When you’re a teen or in your twenties, those masturbation quickies are training you to come fast. This pattern will interfere with your ability to fully enjoy the dance of erotic love when you eventually have sex with a woman. If you are in your forties, those two-minute hand jobs in the morning shower are also training your body to come quickly. So how you masturbate is what you bring to partnersex. Self-stimulation is also the key to training your body to last longer so you can become a world class lover.
Wilhelm Reich once stated that how a person feels about masturbation is how they really feel about sex in general. Back in “the good old days” of casual sex, I used to determine whether or not a guy would be fun in bed by asking him how he felt about masturbation. The ones that said they never had to masturbate or they only did it to relieve sexual tension were eliminated immediately. Trial and error taught me that many of those hot looking Romeos were just jerking off inside a woman’s vagina. Although there are a few women who can come fast like some men, in all the years I’ve listened to women talk about sex, the most common complaint is that intercourse doesn’t last long enough. They say that just when it’s feeling good for them, he ejaculates and it all over.
Learning Ejaculatory Control: It can be expected that most young men will ejaculate quickly when they first become sexually active with a partner. Men who want to make partnersex last longer make an effort to learn how to delay ejaculation by training themselves to sustain higher levels of arousal through the practice of masturbation. When I asked Grant how he learned to keep his hardon, he said besides being an avid masturbator, fear motivated him. He grew up when condoms were difficult to obtain. If you were lucky enough to get laid, holding off as long as possible and then pulling out was the major form of birth control. Coitus Interruptus is still common today. Some believe that a man’s pre-come has enough sperm to cause pregnancy and others claim this is not true. Today besides birth control, condoms also protect us from STD’s.
My protégé Eric is part of the X-generation who mostly takes condoms for granted. He explained when he first became sexually active, when condoms were nice and tight at first, they dampened his sexual sensation which helped his come control. However during intercourse after the condom stretched, the sensual feeling of her vagina along with a loose condom rubbing over his dickhead actually created additional stimulation. This combination caused him to come too quick many a time. Convinced partnersex could be better; he set out to develop what he called “come control.” Along with reading every book he could find on sex, he masturbated without any concerns about going blind.
Over the last several decades that I’ve been listening to women talk about their sexlives, the most common complaint is that intercourse doesn’t last long enough for them to ever have an orgasm, or to enjoy the sensations of this intimate connection. There are many solutions for this difference in timing between us. A man can become such an expert at manual sex that his technique will rival any penis/vagina fuck. When it comes to a woman’s orgasm, its common knowledge that oralsex is often her favorite way to come providing her partner has a muscular tongue and stamina. After all is said and done, having an orgasm when your vagina is filled with a sweet firm penis moving slow and steady or hard and fast, is really very special. If you are crazy about each other, then it’s the best! The penis/vagina connection is what romantic dreams are made of so coming fast can really dampen one’s love of partnersex. That’s when many women decide it’s better to get out a dildo and plug in her vibrator. Remember, that’s usually her second choice so my recommendation is for men to learn ejaculatory control.
Conscious Masturbation: This cannot be done while watching porn so your must get away from your computer. I’m not an consumer of porn, but some appeared the other day. While I looked at the icons I instantly got a clitoral erection. I sat at my computer clicking away with my Mystic Wand vibrator having quick comes. Afterward I realized they in no way compared to the ones I had in bed with massage oil, dildo, butt plug and a detailed fantasy. No comparison whatsoever! These little quickies with porn were more like scratching an itch rather than expressing orgasmic joy. Once I understood the ease of those quickies, I believe porn would make me sexually lazy. Living on Fast Sex would be like eating fast food— neither one would nourish my body, mind or soul. Maybe every now wouldn’t do any harm, but not 100% of the time. Next time one of you Horn Dogs feel like letting off some sexual steam; get out some massage oil, a butt plug or the Aneros. Then settle down into a creating a mental sexual fantasy. You may have to try out several before one clicks, but in the meantime, you are lighting up the right side of your brain— the creative realm. Email me your experience with an organic orgasm.
Lubrication: The first sexual aid will always be some kind of lubrication. If you are circumcised, some kind of a quality massage oil will make masturbation far more sensual— consider it a must. However, If none is available, use a combination of saliva and pre-come. If you are not circumcised, your own foreskin will give you plenty of wetness and sensation. Avoid face creams and hand lotions that might have glycerin in them which is a sugar that will cause a yeast infection if it gets into your urethra or under your foreskin.
Different Strokes for Different Folks: There are many ways to handle your penis. Some men use the palm of their hand circling the shaft and others circle the glans or head of the dick with a thumb and forefinger. A few use both hands. Experiment with different techniques. It’s a good idea to vary the rhythm and use a lighter grip. Your other hand can massage any part of your body that feels good like your testicles, nipples or anus. Pay attention to the sensations— what feels good, what feels neutral and what gets your build-up going. Conscious masturbation will allow you to get more familiar with your entire arousal process. Try to practice several times a week like an athlete working out or a musician learning to play an instrument.
The squeeze technique: If you are in a relationship, create a space where you can have privacy. While masturbating, just before feeling the surge toward ejaculation, stop and press your thumb and finger just under the rim of the glans or head of your penis and/or at the base. The semen travels through the urethral tube that runs up the underside of the penis. Squeezing this tube and relaxing will help to retard ejaculation. After chilling out a moment, you can start stroking again. Repeating this process will allow you to sustain higher levels of sexual arousal. When Masters and Johnson had couples doing this, very often men would complain that their wives squeezed to hard and it hurt. Hmmm, a little hostility coming out I’d say. Besides it’s your penis so it’s up to you to train it.
Stop/Start: While masturbating, instead of squeezing, simply stop all stimulation just before the autonomic ejaculation system kicks in by taking your hand away. As your dick stands alone in the breeze, you might feel a tight sensation or a slight cramping, but nothing that’s painful. Once the orgasmic feeling calms down, start stroking again. Within a short period of time, mild orgasmic feelings leading up to ejaculation will return. Again take your hand away before the autonomic ejaculation switch is thrown. One friend of mine called this process “staying on rainbow ridge.”
Pelvic Floor Muscles: The PC muscle or pubococcygeus is a key player in sexual pleasure. It affects a man’s ability to get hard, stay hard and have a full orgasm. This is the muscle that contracts involuntarily during ejaculation. Both women and men can locate this muscle by stopping the flow of urine. The same as women, men need to strengthen their PC muscle by consciously squeezing and releasing it during rounds of repetitions. As we grow older, weak pelvic floor muscles can result in urinary incontinence, difficulties in getting erect and weaker ejaculations with orgasm.
Most women struggle to have orgasms, so I suggest they pump the PC muscle. Men struggling to keep from coming can relax the PC muscle. However, some men claim that tightening the PC helps hold off orgasm. Some bear down a bit, which is done with the same muscular movement as forcing the stream of urine to flow faster. The next time you masturbate, observe your PC muscle during those moments that feel most pleasurable and experiment to see what works best. Use any technique that will keep you from coming quickly. Just remember that keeping the PC muscle relaxed is a constant challenge. Taking slow deep belly breaths helps to relax the muscle.
Frequent Ejaculation: This will help you avoid getting an enlarged prostate which can lead to cancer later on in life. Another helpful exercise is conscious masturbation while watching porn. What makes this combination so effective is that you not only have cock stimulation with your hand, but you also have the visual and auditory erotic input. This is much closer to the reality of having sex with a partner. Devoting all of your J.O. time to disciplined introspection could become a drag, so allow yourself sessions for pleasure only, some for practice only, and at times try a combination of the two. In either case, always treat yourself to an orgasm in the end.