Am I Over-Thinking My Orgasms?

Mon, 03/21/2011 - 08:39
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I am a 34 year old married woman who used to be very orgasmic and am now having difficulty reaching orgasm. I started masturbating as a child and reached orgasm for the first time at a very young age--probably around 9 or 10. When I started having sex at 19 years old I had regular, if not 100% of the time, vaginal and clitoral orgasms with my partner. After that break up at 20 years old my orgasm became more difficult--not too bad though. At 24 after breaking up and then getting back together with a boyfriend, who became my first husband, orgasm became again more difficult. Then I met my current husband. The first time we had sex we came together and I had a vaginal orgasm. It was incredible. My orgasm seemed to return to me, although it was about 70% of the time. Nevertheless, I was happy. Then about a year or two ago it got harder and harder for me to come and we almost NEVER come together and since we got married in January 2010 it's become even harder, although I have had about 5 great ones--but not at the same time as him.

I am becoming frustrated with myself and him when I can't come because so many times I'm almost there and it feels good, but I just can't let go. Do you have any advice? Could it be my pill, or is more likely psychological? Any advice or insights you have would be sincerely appreciated. I can tell he's frustrated with me too. He's never had a partner who had difficulty orgasming and considers himself skilled in making women come. I don't know how to get my mind out of the picture too--I am often thinking of other things or over thinking my orgasm too, which I know isn't helping.

Thank you for listening and thank you for all that you do!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

S

Dear S,

You actually answered your own question: "I don't know how to get my mind out of the picture too--I am often thinking of other things or over thinking my orgasm."

First off, forget vaginal and simultaneous orgasms. All very nice but both require far too many elements to be perfectly in place. Nice when they happen but once we make them a priority, you get nothing. Also your orgasms are for your pleasure not to prove your husband is a real stud! I suggest you spend some time with self-loving and enjoying your clitoris with no preconceived ideas of what should or might be about to happen. Start exploring your mind for images and fantasies that turn you on. Most of your sexlife has been relating to a partner. Now it's time to focus entirely on yourself. What you discover can be shared with hubby, but stop demanding your orgasms SHOULD be like they used to be! When you say, "The first time we had sex we came together and I had a vaginal orgasm. It was incredible." File that memory in your diary and then forget it for now. Stay in the present moment. Perhaps some meditation would help you learn to quiet your busy mind.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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