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Too Embarrassed to Have Sex with Boyfriend

Sat, 01/22/2011 - 17:53
Submitted by Betty Dodson

I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. He is kind, loyal, and trustworthy. He often brings home flowers and he always makes me breakfast on the weekends. However, I do not feel comfortable opening up sexually. In the past, I maintained a fear of intimacy by having one night stands--so this is my first relationship. When he kisses me, I feel like I'm suffocating or being smothered. Even if we try to take things slow, I'm often thinking that he's just seducing me in order to fuck me.

I have difficulty feeling present or pleasure when having sex with him. I am now to the point where I avoid sex altogether. I still enjoy masturbating by myself, but can't get off or feel relaxed masturbating in front of him. He's being patient, but I'm racked with guilt and shame over the whole matter. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Dear M,

It sounds like you need some counseling with a person who is familiar with your kind of problem. It sounds like it might have to do with some kind of childhood abuse or it could just be the standard practice of repressing everything sexual that takes place in so many families. This is not a quick fix or suggesting some sex skill to try. The only one that comes to mind would be to share masturbation and you say you can't do that. Maybe using a blindfold and simply hearing the sounds and sensing the energy would help. Frankly I'm amazed your boyfriend has managed to put up with what you describe. It sounds like he needs some professional help too. Go to AASECT.org for sex therapists in your area.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Less Sexual

Sun, 01/23/2011 - 11:30
The Nerd (not verified)

It's also possible that you're asexual or less sexual than the average person.  As Betty said above, a therapist should be able to help you determine that for yourself.  If your therapist doesn't recognize asexuality as a valid identity (even if it's not your identity), then run away and find someone more educated about human sexuality.  Note that many asexuals enjoy long-term romantic relationships, and many also enjoy masturbation, so keep it up!  http://www.asexuality.org/home/

I wouldn't be so quick to

Palesa's picture
Mon, 01/24/2011 - 14:07
Palesa

I wouldn't be so quick to label yourself asexual or a victim of trauma. Obviously there is something going on, but I think it's best to see what is there before putting a label on it.

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