Learn a New Orgasm: How to Upgrade Your Masturbation Technique

Sun, 05/16/2010 - 17:38
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Over the years, one frequently asked question comes from women and a few men who are unable to incorporate their current method of masturbation into partnersex.

Many have carried the same pattern of childhood masturbation over into adulthood and it's now the only way they can get off. Some are stimulating their genitals with one or both hands pressed between legs that are tightly squeezed together while lying face down on their tummies- not conducive to sharing orgasms with another person. Others are humping folded blankets, wooden floors, riding the arm of an overstuffed chair or pressing against hard counter tops.

As kids, the idea was to come fast to avoid getting caught. If we were lying face down, mom, siblings or the baby sitter couldn't see what are naughty little hands were doing.

While Pressure and Tension orgasms are probably the most prevalent kind for a majority of people, they are limited in terms of bodily sensations- similar to a quick blip on the pleasure scale. The other problem is that they rarely translate into sharing orgasms with a partner. The solution is simple! It's time to upgrade your masturbation technique.

First let me emphasize, there are a gazillion ways to get off and there's no such thing as having a "wrong" kind of orgasm.

After years of observing my own orgasms plus all the women I've known personally and have worked with professionally, I've observed four basic categories: Pressure, Tension, Relaxation and the Combination that I call a "Rock and Roll Orgasm." This one combines elements of the first three. While breathing fully during a buildup, we are squeezing and releasing our muscles rhythmically with direct or indirect clitoral contact. Pressure or Tension orgasms are most often reached by holding our breath and gasping occasionally. Total relaxation orgasms or what I've also termed "Sleeping Beauty" are most rare. To remain totally relaxed while breathing deeply, someone else must do genital stimulation in a manner that is nearly perfect. Ha! If you find that person capture them quick!

While no two orgasms from self-stimulation are precisely the same, most women use some form of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation with or without penetration. The body responds with movement, no movement, along with varied breathing patterns from holding the breath to panting. Other women remain utterly silent while others make a variety of sounds. The mind can be paying attention to what the body is feeling, focused on sexual thoughts, or conjuring up a sex fantasy. Just as long as you're not planning a dinner menu or running the laundry list.

Pressure Orgasms: (No hands). One workshop woman said she pressed her clitoris against overstuffed furniture. Another pressed against the hard nose on her teddy bear. Some little girls squeeze their legs together to get those good feelings. Other's say wearing tight jeans got them off and more than a few were very fond of their bicycle seats. As a preteen, I was crazy about riding horses before I got interested in boys. Some women who grew up with a strong prohibition about touching themselves directly made a transition to stronger orgasms by letting water run on their clitoris from a bathtub faucet. I began rocking on a pillow pulled up tight between my legs until the "tickle" went away. At some point I just naturally segued over to my fingers and assumed everyone did the same. Not true.

Tension Orgasms: Direct genital rubbing combined with muscle tension gets most of us through puberty, into young adulthood, and for some, throughout the rest of their lives. Tension Orgasms rely on leg and buttock muscles being squeezed tight with the rest of the body held fairly rigid. While holding the breath, a fast motion is used on the clitoris or penis until orgasm explodes in a quick burst. These fast tension climaxes are silent and many of us grew up masturbating this way to avoid getting caught by our parents or siblings. These quick tension orgasms often carry over into many men ejaculating prematurely during partnersex.
A few women have orgasms with muscle tension only without any direct genital contact.

One woman climaxed by hanging from the top of a door to create tension in her entire body while squeezing her vaginal muscle tight. Another woman had orgasms from climbing a rope in gym class. In contrast to coming fast, a friend of mine developed tension orgasms without any clitoral contact into an art form. Now in her early fifties, she is in great shape with the isometric exercises she gets from straining against some form of erotic bondage by keeping her body rigid during elaborate scenes of suspension.

Most people claim to be too busy to spend any quality time enjoying sex. So it will come as no surprise when I say Tension Orgasms are the most common for the largest number of people. While there is no such thing as having a "wrong" kind of orgasm- some are definitely better than others. When a person spends more time building up sexual arousal by breathing, moving, and allowing the body to express a little joy with sounds of pleasure, it creates a more joyful and satisfying experience with orgasm. Fast sex is like fast food- it takes the edge off hunger but it's not all that nourishing.

Relaxation Orgasms: These are difficult to achieve alone because it's nearly impossible to be totally relaxed while doing some form of genital self-stimulation. My relaxed orgasms first happened in my teens with manual sex from a boyfriend's delicate touch. During long sessions of kissing and genital fondling, I was the classic Sleeping Beauty. To avoid exhibiting "animal-like" behavior, I kept releasing the build-up of sexual tension by consciously relaxing my muscles. This took concentration but I felt my reputation was at stake. At one point when I could hold back no longer, the orgasm would come and get me. As long as I did nothing to make this happen and he didn't put his penis inside my vagina, I was still considered a virgin.

The best way to experience Relaxation Orgasms is with a partner. A few teachers of Eastern sex practices have their students take turns giving and receiving manual genital sex with explicit verbal guidance telling one another exactly how to vary the stimulation. They are taught to slow down, relax the pelvic floor muscles, breathe deeply and allow their sexual energy to build gradually. Rajneesh, a Tantra teacher from India, called this a "valley orgasm"- sinking down into the sensation instead of building up as in a "peak orgasm," which is what I call a Tension Orgasm. Rajneesh believed that sex in the future would involve more fun, joy, friendship, and play than the serious affair it is now. I totally support this image. Both Rajneesh and Wilhelm Reich ended up in jail- an indication of how different ideas about sexual pleasure threatens insecure American men.

Combination Orgasms: These are my favorite so this is my bias. This style of orgasm uses tension and relaxation as well as some form of direct clitoral stimulation with either fingers or a vibrator along with vaginal penetration. The Combination Orgasm is what I ended up teaching in the masturbation workshops. Once I realized I could jump-start sexual arousal for women who had never had an orgasm by using the electric vibrator, I began teaching them how to harness all that power for pleasure. Even women who were already orgasmic with their hands could take their orgasms to the next level by masturbating much longer than the usual few minutes. The key to enjoying any electric vibrator is to manage the intensity of the vibrations. Mystic Wand with 5 different speeds which automatically controls the intensity. The idea is to build up slowly not to slam a strong vibe directly onto a cold clit- eek!

After getting in touch with the PC muscle by practicing Kegel exercises, begin slow penetration with a dildo while squeezing and releasing the pelvic floor muscle. Then add clitoral stimulation with a vibrator. While hips rock forward (inhale and flex the PC) and back (exhale and release the PC). The muscles are engaged similar to an athlete in motion. Combining these five elements- clitoral stimulation, vaginal penetration, PC muscle contractions, pelvic thrusting and breathing out loud makes the combination orgasm the one that translates most easily into partnersex. During intercourse, the woman or her partner simply adds her preferred kind of clitoral contact. In my opinion, the best approach is when a woman controls her clitoral stimulation the same as a man does with the angle and speed of vaginal thrusting. Sharing mutual orgasms combines the best of both her and his worlds creating more harmony between the sexes.

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Efficacy of the Fleshlight

Fri, 04/17/2015 - 07:51
Marti (not verified)

Lizzie ,
I read your post and love how you are experiment and report your findings. Objective and helpful. On the fleshlight itself, my boyfriend had similar results. After trying it, he quickly embraced it.  He still does like to feel himself in his own hand so he will use it in combination with his hand, taking it on and off during each session. 
It does give him something different and unique apart from intercourse and so it is not at all a substitute or competetion for intercourse for him but a compliment to it that he can enjoy whenever we are not having intercourse. More importantly though, it helped him get more comfortable with masturbating and get more pleasure out of it.  And so, like so many of its users I read, he masturbates much more than he did before and that's good for him but also for me.  You see, I have always been an avid masturbator and his less than frequent enjoyment of it has always made me feel self concious.  That's no longer a problem for us and so I am enjoying my own masturbation more fully and openly.
Marti

My vagina is dead!!!!

Wed, 02/24/2016 - 18:40
Mz lady (not verified)

Please help I tried everything!!! I never ever got wet, my clot has not stimulation!!! I never ever had an orgasim. I'm 34 and always used lube. Please help I don't feel like a woman

thigh squeezing orgasm during pregnancy

Fri, 08/19/2016 - 07:08
sunidhi (not verified)

Hi there!
I have been doing thigh squeezing orgasm since I was 5 yrs old. I don't know how I learned it. But it's too wonderful. I am happily married from the past 2 years. I have beautiful sex with my husband but still I do thigh squeeze orgasm whenever I am alone and I feel I need it. I am now 34 weeks pregnant. I had that orgasm till I was 31 weeks pregnant. 
Problem is I m now scared if it affects my baby inside, as doctor told me in my 33 weeks visit that baby goes in breech position. Is it because of that thigh squeezing sex( self orgasm) will it affects my baby inside. I am so much worried. Please write me back.
Thank you so much 

Orgasming In The Future

Sun, 10/16/2016 - 11:44
Natalie Clarke (not verified)

Hi there, 

So I need help/advice. I'm 17 and for a few years I've been achieving orgasms by crossing my legs. I've tried touching myself but it doesn't feel as good and it doesn't get me to the point where I can actually orgasm. 
Now the thing is I've never had sex, but I'm worried that I might never be able to orgasm through sex or even through being touched by someone else if I can't even touch myself right. 
How do I abandon this way of pleasuring myself and teach my body to find pleasure in other methods, before I even become sexually active with other people?

Just the right words

Wed, 10/26/2016 - 08:49
Vibratinglove (not verified)

Wow. I must as a matter of fact acknowledge whoever came up with this article.  It felt like each word comes out to fit into context like dancers and drummers being in synchronization.
I am in agreement  with you because I often tell most people, that they should do away with masturbating techniques that could hinder them from enjoying their sex life as adults and that it is not a substitute in any form to the real sex.

A supplement and practice, not a substitute

martiB's picture
Fri, 10/28/2016 - 12:25

V,
You are so right.  Masturbation should be, and often is, in addition to sex.  In fact, contrary to old wisdom, people in relationships actually tend to be the more prolific masturbators. We should not depend on a man for our pleasure though, so we should treat pleasure from sex as icing on the cake and a moment of sharing between a couple, something more than the mere need to get off.  If one needs simply to get off, I suggest they consider masturbation or even even mutual masturbation with your partner. Save the deeper needs and pleasures to be satisfied during full sex with your partner so it retains its meaning.
Masturbation also helps us learn how to pleasure ourselves and develop our orgasm, and that is helpful in any relationship especially when you are both ready for sex.

Marti

Prostate orgasm

Tue, 02/07/2017 - 19:58
Older Lovers (not verified)

As I've aged, my libido has declined and my prostate has enlarged. Men need to orgasm at least three times weekly to maintain good prostate health (per my highly regarded urologist).

One new way and very stimulating way to orgasm is with external prostate massage by my wife. She makes me edge and delays my orgasm by deftly controlling the ebb and flow of my ramp up. At the PONR she clamps down on my urethra to maximize the explosion of my O.

I've also learned how to O from the use of an Aneros prostate massager by rocking back and forth on an inclined lawn chair. It may take a bit of time, but when the PONR hits me, the O is indescribably prolonged, exhausting, and extremely pleasurable beyond any kind of O I have ever experienced.

All this at nearly 70 years old. Still learning new tricks!

Prostate massage for older men

Mon, 02/20/2017 - 16:32
Trevor (not verified)

Wow.  I never considered prostate massage but will definately try that now.
Yes, I've read that 3 ejaculations a week is the absolute minimum for prostate health and overall sexual health as well.  However, the average guy these days exceeds that by far but it can certainly be a challange for older men or men with health conditions to maintain a healthy ejaculatory frequency. 
I've read that most healthy men should actually strive for more than that if they seek improvement over just sustaining themselves and most do from the combination of sex and masturbation they enjoy.
Prostate stimulation and eStimulation can enable an average, healthy man to sustain a lifestyle of several ejaculations a day which, to be honest, we all dream of whether we admit that or not. So it's no wonder that has become more popular. I'm looking forward to it.

I didn't know my entire life

Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:57
Kimberly A James (not verified)

Hi all,

I didn't know any of this my whole life. I'm 43, and until my 40s only just started to orgasm during sex. I also just got my first dildo. I was sexually shamed as a kid and teen and even in my 40s my parents make sex seem shameful. I had no clue about any of this stuff. I still have a hard time having an orgasm during masturbation, but I'm getting there.

Enlightened at 70

martiB's picture
Sat, 05/06/2017 - 19:33

Older Lovers,
I loved your comment and think it's so wonderful you accept your need and your wife is so understanding and willing to help you with it.  You and she are surely enlightened and love each other very much.  She shold get an award for having you edge and prolong your sessions. That can increase the pleasure, strength, and volume of a man's ejaculation so much.
Your urologist was frank and honest with you about your need to ejaculate at least 3 times a week and I think we should stress the "at least" part.  Some urologists are not and leave their patients wanting and at risk. Fortunately, with such easy access to information these days, more men alreay know for themselves the importance of ejaculating regularly and often, and they do.  
My own husband is a once to twice a day ejaculator and we love to enjoy that together even when we're not having sex.  Years ago he was at risk for prostate problems but after increasing his ejaculations he has been fine.

Martha

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