I Think I'm Afraid to Orgasm

Sun, 05/30/2010 - 16:30
Submitted by Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

I'm not sure what exactly the problem is, but each time i come close (or a think i do) to an orgasm i back out. I've been roaming about this site for maybe a year now. I keep coming back to it. The feeling i get is almost like pain in some way ...and it feels great and fine until it gets really heavy and i start to quiver and somehow my brain will say its time to stop and then i think for a slight second let me just stop cause i never make it. I know its not a race..but I really want this. I know how i'm suppose to get to know every detail of my vagina or vulva ...how i need to keep going. I've been masturbating for maybe three years now..really touching..before i used to rub up and down on a pillow.

I've been wanting to write to you for a while...i'm crying as i am writing this (didnt expect this). I feel as if i'm supposed to have orgasms and i feel bad and a little useless that i havent achieved it yet. This is on some level disturbing to my soul..i am honestly a positive person..i do believe i will make it one day ..i believe i'm just afraid and one day i'll have an epiphany and this will be all a phase. But its not..its gotten worse, knowing i should orgasm and searching for information on how to, bombed by the advices. I've come to overthink everything i do related to sex and then worse thinking about what in my past could have possibly created this blockage in me..it scares me i dont want to overthink anything anymore.

I have a boyfriend now whom i love..and i am so afraid that our relationship will fail because i cannot orgasm (not for him nor for me). Its gotten to the point were he feels bad and think he;s not good enough for me..he cried when he told me this. I comforted him by telling him he's got nothing to worry about because i love him and we are doing fine, but in the back of my mind knowing that (or thinking) that if I do not get an orgasm he will still feel inferior..because so do I. Seems bad to me to get the courage to AskBetty..know that i fear losing my bf and when i struggle with this by myself but it is what it is.

I dont know exacltly what kinds of question we as readers can ask..i dont even know exactly what i want to ask..maybe i just want to write my story down for myself.

Thank you for the website,

Love,

F

Dear F,

Although I don't know your age I will assume you are in your twenties. It sounds to me like you have had a small orgasm and are unable to recognize it due to your idea of what to expect. That almost pain feeling sounds like a hyper sensitive clitoris that has just had an orgasm. Perhaps not as explosive or profound as you might have expected. Because right after we do orgasm, we must back off a few moments and let all those sensitive nerve endings calm down. Then we can go again.

I've been seeing more of this in my practice lately. Because we read romantic literature and our friends exaggerate their descriptions of sex and the movies and porn give us false images of passion, many women do not recognize they have had a sexual release. This sets off all the frustration you talk about. We believe we are broken, something is seriously wrong with us and we spiral down into a morbid depression that feeds on itself.

Then you get a boyfriend and he compounds the problem by thinking he's responsible for giving you an orgasm. Unfortunately far too many men judge their masculinity by how big they can "make" their girlfriends come. However, he must learn that we are each responsible for our own orgasms. Meanwhile he is only compounding your problem. Please cut yourself some slack and take a vacation from TRYING to achieve an orgasm. Just focus on the pleasurable feelings throughout your entire body. Consider getting a vibrator and take advantage of our sexual skills videos that show how to stimulate a clitoris. Then get back to me with the good news.

Dr. Betty

Liberating women one orgasm at a time

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Im also in my twenties and

Mon, 05/31/2010 - 00:15
Anonymouss (not verified)

Im also in my twenties and have been having the same problem. I've tried over and over again. Ive gotten to the point my whole body tenses up, I feel myself getting wetter, but it amost hurts and I stop. I feel like Im going to urinate though. Im afraid I might! Ive had a man try to do everything he can to please me, but we both end up feeling frustrated. Its hard to say this, but as a young child I was sexually abused multiple times. My current boyfriend thinks I'll never be abe to orgasm because of what happened in the past. Is this true? How can I overcome this problem?

Thanks,

R

Dear R, This website is

Betty Dodson's picture
Mon, 05/31/2010 - 08:50

Dear R,

This website is filled with information that will answer your question. Every woman the world over has experienced some kind of sexual abuse. Instead of seeing this as a reason or cause that blocks your efforts to enjoy sexual pleasure, take it on as a challenge and make sure the abuser doesn't win.

The moment a young child is shamed or made to feel guilty about their normal sexual explorations through masturbation, that is sexual abuse!!! Than add onto that our lack of sex information and false notions of what sex is supposed to be like, and you have a nation of abused women and girls. However, none of that compares to what young girls around the world are subjected to such as bride marriages, FGM, and bought and sold like livestock. Count your blessings and move forward

afraid to orgasm

Mon, 05/31/2010 - 09:31
marki (not verified)

When my lady and I first got together she told me what kind of sex she DID NOT like and I took it from there. She also had problems having an orgasm and in the months that followed I helped her learn how to relax and realize that she was the one who was responsible for HER orgasm and I was just helping her have it.
She was reluctant at first because her ex expected her to orgasm EVERY TIME they had sex and she had gotten to the point where she was faking it every time and I think, had developed some kind of mental block which prevented her from having one at all. I was patient and, really just enjoyed having some of the best times I have ever had in bed . The conversations and touching and overcoming her fear of letting herself go to the point of letting the orgasm wash over her instead of working so hard that it physically exhausted her trying to have one. When she finally had her first orgasm in probably ten years she made so much noise I was afraid she would wake the neighbors....but she finally was able to relax....put herself in my hands and allow herself to fully let go and surrender to the waves of pleasure that totally engulfed her.
She cried for twenty minutes after the first one ....then demanded that I do it again. I told her that I had done nothing....she was the one that was in controll and I was just her helper and that I would help her from now on but SHE was in control. After that.....well...the genie was out of the bottle!!!
F and her boyfriend need to slow down, relax and just play for a while ....explore and discover what brings pleasure and what doesn't....then they will be on the road to where she wants to go. What she is feeling isn't pain....it is the years of frustration at not being able to allow herself to orgasm and the letdown that occurs when you feel you have disappointed your partner by not having one.

A word to the boyfriend......be patient and know that it isn't YOUR fault....it's NO ONES fault....it just needs time and patience.

.................It is not the destination....it is the journey............ relax....it'll happen....if you LET it.

Never Experienced an Orgasm

Wed, 06/09/2010 - 19:06
Still Waiting (not verified)

I am 45 years old and I enjoy sex a lot and have a very active sexual life...but I have never experienced an orgasm and that is so frustrating to me not to know what it feels it...i have used a small vibrator (The Bullet) and the pleasure is so intense but yet no matter how much I relax and not think about have an orgasm...i can never get there...once when having sex with my partner he had his finger partially in my anus not quite all the way in and it was such a turn on as if any moment I would explode yet nothing happened...I don't know what to to do...if it's just once in my life time...and I envy women that do...Please help!

Getting to Orgasm

Thu, 06/10/2010 - 14:32

My wife enjoys intercouse but has never had an orgasm from intercourse, and she does not respond to G Spot stimulation. She is typical of most women described by Betty, who requires clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. My wife requires SPECIAL stimulation as follows...

HERE are THE KEYS to orgasm for her.MOST IMPORTANT is lubrication, and the very best lube for us is SYLK. We have tried them all, and Sylk, which is made from the Kiwi Fruit is the only one that lasts the longest, the most natural, and even tastes good. Without Sylk, her orgasms are hit or miss. All other lubes dry out too quickly before she reaches climax, THEN IT IS CURTAINS.

Next most important is indirect stimulation of the Clit. See this link:

http://www.ed-sim.com/en/home#tabs-page-1

If I directly stimulate her "Glans of Clitorus" it is curtains. However she enjoys wall shaking orgasms  from stimulating both "Bulbs of Vestibule." The process is 1) Palm over the pubic bone, with a finger on each side of the vaginal opening. Rapidly and lightly stimulate Bulbs of Vestibule left to right until she almost reaches climax, then switch more pressure to the pubic bone with palm and fingers over both of the "Crus Clitoris" with pressure and RAPID side to side motion. This never fails to get her into a shrieking orgasm. The neighbors down the road can even hear her !

Tip for you men suffering from erectile dysfunction. Take a tablespoon of Spirulina in your cereal every morning. This is a Super Food recommended by Oprah for good health. Since taking this supplement for 2 months, I now have erections like a teenager. Who needs Viagra? Search the internet for best prices, we buy the powder in jars or bags.

Hope this helps

Grizz

be patient

Tue, 07/13/2010 - 13:02
HeatherE (not verified)

I understand how being sexually abused can make you not be able to orgasm. I too have been sexually abused. At 5yrs, at 16yrs, and at 21yrs. I thought I'd never be able to have an orgasm b/c I could never give myself fully to a man- I thought that aspect of me emotionally was dead and buried. I have been married for almost 12 years and just recently I've felt like I just might have one. I'm probably a special case b/c Ive been abused in other ways other than sexually so I was totally shut down, but I just want to offer some encouragement to the women on this page who can't have an orgasm. I think it's a mental thing rather than a physical thing. (or at least it was in my case). I've done alot of praying and healing to get to this point, and it's actually pretty funny b/c I read marki's message and I feel like I'm the same way as his girl. One of the last times I was with my husband, I was starting to get really loud and I live in a ghetto house/apartment so I know the 2nd floor heard me, but we actually stopped and changed positions and the orgasm didn't continue (long story). I have to agree with the just let it happen statement. I happen to be a christian so I am trusting God to heal me and he has been and that's why I can write this, but forcing it never works

i feel like im letting down my man

Wed, 08/25/2010 - 08:53
Luna (not verified)

ive been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks (we were friends for about a year) and whenever we get intimate he tries to make me orgasm but i wont let him. ive never orgasmed before unless i made myself do it.

its weird because i will be enjoying what he is doing, and then i will start to feel a slight pain, panic and then ask him to stop. with my last boyfriend everything was painful so i was blaming that. but today my man was making me feel good and it was like it was too good and overwhemling and i begged him to stop.

its really upsetting him because he feels its his fault, even though i assure him its not. what's wrong with me?

Hi heather uhm I'm 21 and

Sat, 09/15/2012 - 18:34
AJ007 (not verified)

Hi heather uhm I'm 21 and have also been sexually abused at different ages and am also a Christian and,I also have an extreme mental block when I try to orgasm.. Could you please contact me?

I appreciate your intent, but...

Mon, 11/26/2012 - 13:24
Seeking Answers (not verified)

Your site is powerful and life changing, but minimizing someone's childhood sexual abuse by saying, "...none of that compares to what young girls around the world are subjected to such as bride marriages, FGM, and bought and sold like livestock. Count your blessings and move forward." is a super turn off for me to your great information. I was sexually abused as a child and it has had a profound impact on my entire life. The abuse was severe and sadistic, began in infancy, and spanned my childhood until I left for college.
 
Please don't tell women like me to count my blessings and move forward. Please help me see how your information can work for me. Because I want my sexuality back.

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